Cooking... Separating the Men from the Boys

Gentlemen, it's been awhile but I am back and about to take on a controversial topic... Cooking. Prepare yourself, this ain't no Martha Stewarts Living. I'm about to throw down some knowledge into that dried fruit you call a brain. So open your mind hole and prepare to be dazzled (not a manly word, do not use dazzled unless you scored really high on the manliness test. That gives you a free pass to use words like dazzled and scrumptious).


Now a lot of you out there think that cooking is for women... Men are meant to enjoy a delicious meal prepared by a woman. How wrong you are. There are a few things wrong with this theory of yours.


1) Women cook with vegetables. Vegetables are not manly. Vegetables are what meat eats... I'm not suggesting only eating meat because, though delicious, it'll fucking kill you. I'm simply saying that vegetables were designed to go on top of meat. A popular excuse for those vegetarians out there is that "humans are not meant to eat meat". This is false. If humans weren't meant to eat meat, meat wouldn't be so delicious.


2) Women do not mix meats. When was the last time you saw a woman wrap a chicken with a duck wrapped in a turkey, stuffed inside of a bacon wrapped pig. That's right, you haven't.


3) Women expect you to do the dishes. This is probably the most important one. If you do the cooking, your lady has to do the dishes... It's not the law yet but I'm lobbying pretty hard.


Let me set a stage for you guys who don't know how to showcase your miraculous cooking talent buried deep in your core. How to harness the power of epic meals for good and not evil (evil in this case is cooking for your mom). You have started hanging out with this girl and things are rolling smoothly but she seems too good for you. This is not a bad thing. You just need to turn the tables. Score some serious man-points with this little lady (she better be of age bro, cause that's not cool). The preparation for this meal must be done in advance. You have to find an excuse to cook for her because it's actually a fact that 100% of girls think that you are trying to rape them. 


The set up should be something along these lines. Pick a sport that you are good at. It can be any sport so long as you are good enough at said sport to control the game. For the majority of men reading this blog, I'm going to assume that you aren't too skilled when it comes to sports that involve moving a whole lot so we'll stick with something a little more up to your speed. Make a bet with her over a game of lawn darts (Caution: This game involves sharp, weighted projectiles. It's the most manly game on the planet aside from "catch the bullet"). The bet... If you (the man) win, she has to take you to a guy movie (Titanic is a guys movie... you may think that it is not but it so is. It has boobs in it which instantly gives it points. It's about a big fucking boat that gets split in half by a big chunk of ice. The single most awesome thing to come out of that movie though... When the boat goes ass-up and the guy flys off of it and hits the propeller, spinning like Eddy Gordo from Tekken) and if she (the woman) wins, you (the man) will make her dinner, and take you skating or something like that (I don't know which city you could skate and play lawn darts in the same week... Shut up, I'm dropping knowlege here). Now gentlemen, this step is crucial... You have to intentionally lose. I'm not talking shit the bed and pull a Jay Cutler. Just throw the game so that she wins, but just barely. This is the ONLY time that it is okay to lose to a girl in a sport. If it is sewing or vacuuming, you'll lose no matter what. If you tried your hardest and still lost, you can't read any more.


Now that you have "lost" (wink), you have to cook her dinner. She's not going to want to come over and eat Kraft Dinner with Bacon Bits in it so you have to learn to cook son. She comes over for this dinner that you have promised her, not knowing what to expect. You have been reading this blog and so you are a manly son of a bitch and she assumes that whatever you are going to cook is going to be bad. But for some reason she likes your sorry ass and she's over anyway. That is when you put her on your couch and give her the remote (this gives the illusion that you really care about her... and lets you do your thing in the kitchen in peace).


An hour later you come out and place in front of her a motherfucking braised Duck... What the fuck is up? Her girl boner that's what... You've just played the game and won my friend.


I know what you are thinking, "TyPeets, you are wise beyond your years... But I don't know any recipes for anything". God you're lucky I'm here...


Triple Meat Burgers


These tasty treats are good, but better enjoyed among men or the women out there who can truly hang. Here's what you need.


Bacon - 8 Strips
Honey Garlic Sausage - 1 Pound - Casing removed
Hamburger - 1 Pound
2 Eggs
1 Small White Onion Finely Chopped
Oregano - 1 Tbsp
Basil - 1 Tbsp
Garlic - 3 Cloves Finely Chopped
Ground Cayenne Pepper - 1/2 Tsp
Nutmeg - 1 Tbsp
Ground Black Pepper 1 Tsp


Use a food processor to grind the bacon into a ball of delicious bacon paste. Toss everything in a bowl and mix it up by hand. It should look like one pink ball of meat with white specks of onion and garlic. Start up the barbecue on medium-high. While the barbecue is heating up you are going to take your ball of meat, divide it into about 6 small balls (haha, small balls) and flatten each one into a burger. Toss them on the barbecue for a few minutes each side until they aren't pink in the middle anymore. Top with whatever burger fixins you eat, or with a chicken breast if you're feeling ultra manly. NOM NOM NOM NOM.


Braised Duck (people don't eat these deliciously cute birds nearly enough)


A Duck (each 4 to 5 lb)
3/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
6 tbsp Brandy (or Jack Daniels)
2 tsp chopped fresh thyme or 1/2 tsp dried
1/4 tsp ground allspice
Half onion, sliced
1/2 cup minced  shallots
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup  dry red wine (or Jack Daniels)
4 sprigs fresh thyme
1 bay leaf
1 tbsp cornstarch
2 tbsp red currant jelly (or Jack Daniels)

 

Duck Stock:

2 onions, quartered

2 carrots, chopped

3 stalks celery, chopped

4 sprigs fresh parsley

4 sprigs fresh thyme or 1/2tsp dried

3 slices ginger root

2 cloves garlic

1 bay leaf

4 whole cloves

1 tsp black peppercorns

1/4 tsp salt

Preparation - This one takes a while, if you replace each ingredient with a shot of Jack Daniels, I promise that your date will go just as well.

With paper towels, give the duck a rub down. Place neck, gizzards and hearts in roasting pan.
Cut its legs off where thigh joint meets backbone; separate drumsticks from thighs and set aside. Cut off wings; remove the tips of the wings (the part that looks gross and inedible).
Trim tops of duck boobs off wishbones; sliding knife under each boob along either side of breastbone, remove breasts and set aside.


Trim off fat and fatty skin from carcass and set aside; cut off and discard tailbone. Chop the carcass in half and place in roasting pan. If you feel like Dexter, you're probably doing this right.


Duck Stock: Add onions and carrots to roasting pan; roast in 450F/230C oven until duck and vegetables are browned, about 45 minutes. With slotted spoon, transfer solids to stockpot; add celery, parsley, thyme, ginger, garlic, bay leaf, cloves, peppercorns, salt and 6 cups/1.5 L water. Pour off and discard fat from roasting pan.


Place pan over medium heat and add 2 cups/500 mL water; bring to boil, scraping up brown bits from bottom of pan. As much as I always tell you to stay away from brown bits, these ones are delicious. Pour into stockpot; bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, for 2 hours. Let cool; strain, discarding solids. Skim off and discard fat.


Trim off and reserve fatty edges of skin from thigh and breast pieces. Place drumstick, thigh and wing pieces in bowl and sprinkle with 3/4 tsp of the salt, 1/4 tsp of the pepper and 2 tbsp of the brandy (or Jack Daniels), turning to coat; place in airtight container or plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or for up to 2 days. The longer you keep these bad boys in the fridge, the more they'll get you (and more importantly your date) drunk.


Cut diagonal slashes through breast skin (not through meat); transfer to bowl. Sprinkle with thyme, allspice, remaining pepper, and 2 tbsp of the brandy (or Jack Daniels), turning to coat; place in airtight container or plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or for up to 2 days. Again, lean more toward the 2 days for maximum drunken bad decisions. 


Evenly slice trimmed skin pieces; place in heavy-bottomed saucepan with fat trimmings, onion and 1/2 cup /125 mL water and bring to boil. Reduce heat to low and cook until skin and onion are browned and crispy; through sieve, drain fat into heatproof bowl, reserving skin, cracklings (fried skin) and onion.
In skillet, heat 2 tbsp of the fat (reserve remainder for other uses, like mixing with Jack Daniels for what I like to call Jack the Duck and his crime-fighting partner TyPeets the Drunk) over medium heat; brown drumstick, thigh and wing pieces all over, then transfer to Dutch oven. Drain off and discard fat from skillet, leaving just enough to coat bottom; add shallots and garlic and fry, stirring, until softened, about 3 minutes. Add wine and, stirring, bring to boil; pour into Dutch oven (hahaha, Dutch Oven).
Place Dutch oven (haha, Dutch Oven) over medium-high heat; when liquid has reduced by half, add 2 cups/500 mL Duck Stock (you made this earlier, remember?), thyme sprigs, bay leaf and remaining salt. Bring to boil; transfer to 350F/180C oven. Braise (don't be afraid of this, braise literally means cook in liquid, I think it might be a french word... It probably is french. They always make things way harder than they need to be), uncovered, until duck pieces are tender, 60 to 90 minutes. Transfer duck pieces to heatproof platter; keep warm.


Increase oven temperature to 425F/220C.


Strain braising liquid into heatproof measuring cup; skim off and discard fat. Pour braising liquid into saucepan and cook until reduced to 1-1/2 cups/375 mL, then remove from heat (if pan juices are less than 1-1/2 cups/375 mL, simply add enough stock to make 1-1/2 cups/375 mL). Set aside.
In ovenproof skillet over medium heat, place breasts skin side down; when nicely browned, flip over, then transfer skillet to 425F/220C oven. Roast until centre is pink, about 10 minutes. Transfer to plate; let stand for 5 minutes.


Meanwhile, in saucepan, bring braising liquid (another one of those french terms for the shit you just cooked your duck in) to boil. Stir cornstarch with remaining brandy (or Jack Daniels); stir into braising liquid. Boil over medium heat for 1 minute; stir in jelly (I was joking about using Jack Daniels instead of jelly, use the jelly) until dissolved.


Thinly slice breasts; arrange on serving platter and surround with braised pieces. Spoon some sauce over top and sprinkle with reserved cracklings (if using) and onion. Serve remaining sauce on side or with Jack Daniels for a little treat.


For dessert, you should be having sex. Depending on the amount of Jack Daniels you used, this might not be physically possible so you should probably buy some ice cream or cake or something.


That's all for now guys, hopefully these recipes come in handy and I'll post some more soon.


Cheers,
TyPeets

Manliness 101 - The Moustache

Gentlemen,

        As I'm sure the manly men out there know, Movember is forthcoming at an alarming rate. For those of you who don't know what Movember is, it's a charity event in which men (and manly women) grow a moustache (or womoustache for the aforementioned women) of any kind and where it for an entire month raising money for prostate cancer research. I will be sponsored by some of the female members in my office. I am having some trouble deciding exactly which type of moustache I will be donning. I want you, the readers of my blog (both of you) to leave some comments for ideas. Below I have listed some different types of moustaches. Keep in mind I only have a month to do it so anything that requires serious  growth (more than an inch or so). I personally have worn the handlebar and the friendly mutton chops. Both of which were equal parts epic and disgusting. Also bear in mind, I will not be covering my chin so any beard will not be worn. 

Thanks peeps, and remember, a moustache in on the face is worth two in the bush. Leave comments here or on FB. Of course I will post pictures.

Cheers,

TyPeets

10 Ways To Tell If You Are a Real Man

If you are Tom Selleck, you don't need to worry, you're already a real man.

Gentlemen, a lot of you have read the initial post and a lot of you have failed the test. Now, this means that you shouldn't be allowed to read this post, but I'm not ruler of the internet yet so I can't ban you from reading on. Those of you who failed the test may be thinking to yourself, 'but TyPeets, I am a manly motherfucker. My mom tells me every day. I am more manly than my friends but I still failed the test. Is there any way that I can become more manly?' Well you are in luck, I'm in a generous mood today so I'll do all of you sissies a favour. First off, before I get to the list, stop telling me that your mom tells you that you are manly. It's creepy and being creepy is not manly. Also, the fact that you are the most manly out of all of your friends does not make you more of a man. It's like that runner from South Africa, Caster Semenya. She is the most manly one of his/her peers, but she still has woman parts.

So, here's the list...


1) Respect


Real men respect other people like they want to be respected. Whether a person is above them (financially, corporately or otherwise successfully) or below them, a real man treats his peers with respect. It doesn't matter the gender, the race or the religion of the person, people are people and real men realize this. Being manly and being a chauvinist are not one in the same. Last post I made a comment about women being bad drivers and I got a slew of emails from angry female readers telling me that they, in fact, were excellent drivers (although I have had the (dis)pleasure of driving with many of the ones who emailed and I can tell you that they are some of the worst drivers I have ever seen). Relax, it's a joke. Not every female is a bad driver. My mother is a great driver in a straight line. If  she has to back up, parallel park, navigate a tight spot or do any sort of driving that is even kind of out of the norm, she has to get myself or my father to do it. Such is the case for MOST women I know (note that most is capitalized to show not all). As I stated, being chauvinistic is not manly. In fact, disrespecting and especially abusing women (physically, verbally or mentally) is not only unmanly, it is just downright low. You are the bane of the universe, the scum of existence, the "men" who sink so low as to lay a hand on a woman.


2) Facial Hair


Real men can grow beards. Personally, I can grow a decent beard in about three days and I know many people who can attest to this. I'm not talking about the scraggly, patchy, teenage beards that those girly men like Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp grow. I'm talking full out, Dos Equis Guy beards.


3) Brains


Real men are smart (relax, I didn't say smarter than women). Period. Book smarts are half the battle. The other half comes from years of practice, patience and a lot of trial and error. It's what allows us to build the houses we live in, the bridges we cross and the cars we drive... These men are geniuses.


4) Mantuition


Women always talk about women's intuition. It's how they can tell their spouse is cheating, their kids are sick or another woman's period is giving her problems. These traits are all well and good but they aren't going to save you when shit goes down. Enter Mantuition. There's been an accident that has left you and your family stranded in a forrest. Which way is north? If a wild animal attacked you right now, without warning, what would you use that is in your reach to ward it off? After killing that animal, what is the best way to build a fire using only what you have outside (no lighters) to cook it? You need shelter, how do you build a lean-to? How do you collect fresh water? If you can answer those questions in less than 5 seconds each, you were likely born with mantuition (if you've ever actually been in that situation, you probably have a pretty amazing beard too). Mantuition is not learned... It is innate to all men out there.


5) Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar


First thing I want you to note; it is grammar, not grammer. SPG are three things that really bug me in the age of texting, IM and the internet in general. Anyone who has ever received a text from me, an IM from me, or has read my blog will notice that I type you, not u. I form sentences with real words, complete with punctuation. I try my best to avoid short forms and I most certainly will never use LOLSpeak (the new language invented from those stupid 'I can has cheezeburger' cats). It's not because I think I am better than you, it's because those who tipe liek thissssssssss come off as complete idiots. Facebook is going to be the end of the English language as we know it... Please help it out by typing like a literate person, not like a four year old.


7) (Lack of) Designer Clothes


Men do not wear Abercrombie and Fitch, Holister or any of that crap. Men wear clothes that are comfortable, have oil stains on them, and they wear them for a long time... Our jeans come whole and the holes, stains and fades come from years of working hard in them. Men really don't give a shit what our clothes look like. I'll go to a wedding in work boots and a sweatshirt if it interferes with chores.


8) Hard Work


Real men work hard. We will work 60 hours a week if it means putting food on the table. There's no substitute for a man who has not only a can do attitude but a will do attitude. It doesn't have to be construction or automobiles, I am a chemist by trade (although I do have a lot of experience in the skilled trades), but every day a real man comes to work, he puts forth 110% from shift start to shift end.


9) Manly Hands


This is a by-product of hard work. Manly hands are big, strong and rough... If your hands are smoother than your girlfriend's, you either masturbate way too much or you need to start doing something that involves lifting more than the remote softy. If you have dainty little hands,  you can't protect your loved ones.


And that brings me to the tenth and final area of manliness for this post:


10) Protection


And I'm not talking about what your dad should have worn with your mom, sissy. A real man can and will protect his family until the bitter end. Be it with a gun, a bat or good old fashioned fisticuffs, a man will stop at nothing to ensure his loved ones are safe. Ladies, if a madman looking like Mel Gibson from Mad Max walked into your house with a knife and an out-to-rape attitude, what would your boyfriend/husband do? Would he hide with you, shaking like a little puppy? OR would he put up his dukes and drop that fucker? I already know what I would do.


And that, my friends, is 10 of the many, many ways to tell how manly you really are. Obviously there are more than just 10 areas of manliness; we didn't even get into hunting, fishing, the internal combustion engine and mantiquing.


Let me know what you guys want to see next and I'll either take your advice or ignore it because real men play by their own rules (free tip y'all).


More Posts Soon,
Cheers,
TyPeets

The Man Test (Borrowed from Forrest Griffin)

Alright Gentlemen,

This is the inaugural post. This blog was inspired by a conversation with DMak (of Dearest Toronto) about a book we read. A book by a man; a man even more manly than me (I know, it's a stretch, but it's true!). That man's name is Forrest Griffin, the former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion. In his book, Got Fight?, Forrest makes potential readers take a manliness test before continuing on in the book.

This blog is not his book, but found within (not yet, this is the first post dumbass) you will find posts about beer, boobs, explosions, moustaches and other guy shit. That does not mean no girls allowed, in fact, I encourage girls to come out and read. That way you can see through all that Hollister & Fitch or whatever the fuck those douchebags are wearing... Look at me, I have a fake tan, two diamond studs and a faux-hawk. Ladies, do all the genuine, hard-working, good-hearted, big penised, down to earth, MEN a favour and stop having sex with the first dickhead wearing Ed Hardy jeans... Thank you.

Now that I have your attention, I should probably go over a few ground rules concerning this page. 

1) If you have a problem with any post, or anything displayed on this page you should do the following: Keep it to yourself. You're a whiny bitch and no one cares what you have to say.

That pretty much covers the ground rules. Now if you score forty points or higher on Forrest's test, you are a man. Chances are you don't own anything with an eagle or moose on it, and if you do that eagle is tearing the moose apart or maybe they're like a buddy cop team wearing leather jackets with something slick like a huge ass machine gun tucked underneath like in the Matrix. If that is the case, you should probably wear that shirt all the time or send it my way. If you score between twenty five and forty points, you should either wait until you hit puberty, or call your dad and have him explain the content of this page to you, provided that your dad scores above forty. If he doesn't, you should probably find a foster family or something. You can also never tell any of your friends that you read the page, because, chances are your buddies are also lacking in manliness. If you score below twenty five points, you might as well hang up your pre-ripped jeans, take off your gold chain, cut off your sack, turn it into a very small purse, and become a terrible driver because you sir, are a woman... Unless you actually are a woman, in which case, continue reading but ask a man his score before having sex with him. If his response is "what do you mean score? Isn't this haircut da bomb" or something equally as asinine, kick him in the nuts and find a guy who's score is over 40.

Another thing, don't cheat. If you cheat, you are only discrediting yourself when you start taking offense to how manly I am and thinking you can kick my ass even though the only "training" you have is from the Expert Village series on Youtube. If you cheat, congrats man, you really are a bitch. You are so unmanly that you had to cheat on a test that proves your manliness in order to be considered manly enough to read along.

Without further ado (I know it's adieu but I don't believe in French, because it's not manly) here is the test:

#1 You wake up one morning to find a really fat chick lying next to you in bed. How do you react?

a) You somehow convince the Woolly Mammoth to squeeze out your bedroom window so no one sees her leave, remove the wiry hair from between your teeth, and never tell a living soul about what you have done.

b) Have her leave through the front door, but make up a bunch of excuses about how you were too drunk to get it up when your buddies start busting your balls.

c) Take her out for breakfast and nod “what’s up?” to your friends when they give you funny looks. You don’t go so far as to lick the syrup off her lips at the end of the meal, but you smile and treat her with respect.

d) Thank her for taking your virginity and nervously ask her for her phone number.
e) Do not wake her up. Just leave your home and never come back.

ANSWERS

a) +0 points. Let me break this down for you. Sleeping with a fat chick is an automatic-5 points, but covering up the dark 

moments of your life like an old- school vet is definitely manly, earning you +5 points. If  you should ever  find 

yourself  in this scenario and  react in such a manner, consider it a wash on the manliness scale.

b) -10 points. In this scenario, you get-5 points for sleeping with a fat chick, and then you get another-5 points for being a whining bitch.

c) +5 points. If a real man slips in a pile of dog shit, rolls down a hill into a puddle of pig shit, claws his way out only to be

shit on by a cow, he still climbs to his feet with pride. Sleeping with a fat chick and holding your head high is the same 

type of scenario. It requires balls of steel and an unbreakable sense of pride, earning you +10 hard-earned 

points of manliness. Subtract the five points for the deed itself, and you end up with +5.

d) +0 points. If this was your answer, the reason I didn’t award negative points is that I am now going to ask you politely to stop taking this test. All real men lose their virginity to prostitutes. However, if the fat chick in question was indeed a nighttime model, I will let you slide with zero points and a warning.

e) -15 points. You are a coward, and cowards aren’t manly.

#2 Which do you shave more, your face or your genitals?

a) Face.

b) Genitals.
c) Never shave either.
d) Shave both equally and at the same time.

       1) Face and then balls.

       2) Balls and then face.

ANSWERS

a) +0 points. Shaving your face makes you a man but not manly.
b) -5 points. You’re disgusting. I should have taken away 10 points.
c) +10 points. You probably live in the hills and kill things, both of which are ultramanly. If you have some type of wild animal as a pet, such as a badger or wombat, give yourself an extra +5 points. And if you actually have a girlfriend (has to be a woman, not the badger or wombat), give yourself an additional +5.

d) +0 points. When you’re in the shower with a razor, giving both your face and sac a “once-over” is not manly or unmanly. However, the order in which you do the shaving is very, very important. If you shave your face and then your balls, as long as you dispose of the razor afterward, give yourself +5 points. If you shave your balls and then your face, it means that you secretly like the scent of nut sac and you are not in any shape or form a real man. As a matter of fact, go ahead and give yourself-15 points.

#3 How much does your favorite pair of jeans cost?
a) $200 or more.
b) Between $100 and $200.

c) Between $50 and $100.

d) Under 50 bucks.

ANSWERS

a) -15 points. Real men don’t pay that much for a washing machine or their hookers.
b) -10 points. $150 is a brand-new chain saw.
c) -5 points. Real men are frugal. They are cheap with their beer and food, so what the fuck makes you think they’d spend that kind of money on jeans?
d) +10 points. Give yourself an extra +5 points if that favorite pair of jeans has an oil stain on them.

#4 Your friends take you out to an all-you-can-eat buffet for your thirteenth birthday, and then surprise you afterward by taking you to Dollywood for a little bungee jumping. You’re just a kid, so you don’t see how bungee jumping after an all-you-can-eat buffet can go terribly wrong. You think that perhaps you might throw up, but instead you shit yourself. Remember, you’re just a kid. How do you handle the situation? Seriously, I want to know.

            a) Jump in the nearest public pool.
b) Pretend nothing has happened and go about your day.
c) Go to the public restroom, remove your shit-soaked boxers, and throw them in the trash can. Next, remove your socks, dampen them in the sink, and then clean up everything your boxers didn’t catch. Once you’re done, dispose of your socks. When you get home and your mother asks what happened to your socks, tell that nosy bitch to mind her own business. Afterward, go upstairs and cry yourself to sleep.

ANSWERS

a) +5 points. Although real men don’t drag others down when their ship sinks, they are quick problem solvers. 

If   the  pool  is twenty  feet  from the location where you did the shitting, give yourself +5 points. However, if you 

walk all the way home and  then jump into your neighbor ’s pool, give yourself-5 points …unless your neighbor 

is an asshole who never invites you over to go swimming.

 

b) +5 points. As I previously mentioned, real men always keep their chin up. If they have shit in their back 

pocket, they have shit in their back pocket. Deal with it.

c) +0 points. The reason I didn’t give negative points for this reaction is that shitting yourself at Dollywood is a tragic experience that no child should have to go through on his thirteenth birthday. It’s absolutely terrible. Your friends constantly make fun of you, and it’s not until much later in life when youbecome a fighter or something of that nature that you finally begin to earn just a shred of respect back from them. I don’t care if it’s not manly—I give a pass to every thirteen-year-old who shit himself at Dollywood while bungee jumping and then had to live with the horrible repercussions for years to come.

          You go on a first date with a respectable, attractive woman. How do you handle it?
a) You pay for everything, open doors, and kiss her good night instead of trying to get into her pants.
b) You tell her that she can order the most expensive thing on the menu and that you’re picking up the check.

       1) The most expensive thing on the menu is a $60 steak.

       2) The most expensive thing on the menu is a Big Mac.

c) You focus on how broke you are during dinner conversation and talk her into paying the bill. 

d) The moment you pick her up, you ask for gas money.

ANSWERS

a) +10 points. New-school manliness cannot contend with old-school manliness. If you’re a gentleman like Clark Gable, you are a real man. However, if you try to fuck your date at the end of the night, you get zilch. With this one, it’s all or nothing.

b) -5 points. Unless you’ve got old-school manliness, never offer a woman the most expensive thing on the menu. 

By saying nothing, you can tell what type of woman she is. If she orders the most expensive thing on her own, she is 

most likely out for your money. If she orders the cheapest thing on the menu, she probably lacks confidence and 

will be easy to bed.

            1) If you’re at a really nice restaurant where the most expensive dish costs $60 or more, you’re an      even bigger douche bag. Go ahead and subtract another 15 points.

                            2) If  you took your date to McDonald’s and she actually walked into the place, you already know she has 

no self-respect. In such a case, offering her the most expensive thing will probably make her happy and horny. 

Consider it a wise move and give yourself +15 points.

 

#6 You just got knocked the fuck out. Joe Rogan comes over and asks you what happened. What do you say?

a) You immediately begin making excuses. Tell everyone how your hand was hurt going in, your wife left you, you got the flu. Just rattle off every bullshit

reason for the knockout you can think of.
b) You don’t say anything because you are too busy crying.
c) You say, “Everything was going good, and then I just got knocked the fuck out.”

ANSWERS

a) -10 points. Real men don’t make excuses, even when those excuses are legitimate.
 

b) -5 points. The reason I didn’t subtract more…well, you know the reason.
 

c) +10 points. This is the way every loss should be handled. In addition to making more fans, you don’t go home feeling like a jackass 

#7 In  a raffle you recently won a gigantic douche-mobile, such as a Range Rover, Hummer, or some kind of lifted truck. What do you do with it?

            a) Go off-roading without worrying about scratching the paint or acquiring a few dents.
b) Donate the piece of shit to charity.
c) Trick it out by purchasing fancy rims that turns it onto an on-road vehicle only.
d) Use it to haul tools and lumber back and forth to work.

ANSWERS

a) +5 points. In order for off-roading to be extremely manly, you have to do it in something that isn’t built for the dirt, like a Honda Civic. But showing that you don’t care about the appearance of the vehicle gives you the points.

b) +10 points. I mean, come on, who really needs a Hummer.
c) -75 points. Do I really need to explain?
d) +10 points. Real men have manly jobs, and sometimes those manly jobs require a big vehicle. Gardening tools don’t count. You’ve got to carry big tools, like lathes and grinders and wood splitters.

There you have it... If you passed Forrest's Test, feel free to absorb the wisdom that is in this page. If you did not, I'm not going to feel sorry for you and I'm sure as hell not going to give you a kiss, why would you even think that? I'll tell you what I will do for you, being the man that I am, I'll make you my personal protege (I'll likely refer to you as minion though because of the whole french thing) provided that you a) call me sir and b) toss out every article of clothing you own that was bought in a store that smells of anything but tanned leather.

More posts up soon,

Cheers,

TyPeets