Alright Gentlemen,
This is the inaugural post. This blog was inspired by a conversation with DMak (of Dearest Toronto) about a book we read. A book by a man; a man even more manly than me (I know, it's a stretch, but it's true!). That man's name is Forrest Griffin, the former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion. In his book, Got Fight?, Forrest makes potential readers take a manliness test before continuing on in the book.
This blog is not his book, but found within (not yet, this is the first post dumbass) you will find posts about beer, boobs, explosions, moustaches and other guy shit. That does not mean no girls allowed, in fact, I encourage girls to come out and read. That way you can see through all that Hollister & Fitch or whatever the fuck those douchebags are wearing... Look at me, I have a fake tan, two diamond studs and a faux-hawk. Ladies, do all the genuine, hard-working, good-hearted, big penised, down to earth, MEN a favour and stop having sex with the first dickhead wearing Ed Hardy jeans... Thank you.
Now that I have your attention, I should probably go over a few ground rules concerning this page.
1) If you have a problem with any post, or anything displayed on this page you should do the following: Keep it to yourself. You're a whiny bitch and no one cares what you have to say.
That pretty much covers the ground rules. Now if you score forty points or higher on Forrest's test, you are a man. Chances are you don't own anything with an eagle or moose on it, and if you do that eagle is tearing the moose apart or maybe they're like a buddy cop team wearing leather jackets with something slick like a huge ass machine gun tucked underneath like in the Matrix. If that is the case, you should probably wear that shirt all the time or send it my way. If you score between twenty five and forty points, you should either wait until you hit puberty, or call your dad and have him explain the content of this page to you, provided that your dad scores above forty. If he doesn't, you should probably find a foster family or something. You can also never tell any of your friends that you read the page, because, chances are your buddies are also lacking in manliness. If you score below twenty five points, you might as well hang up your pre-ripped jeans, take off your gold chain, cut off your sack, turn it into a very small purse, and become a terrible driver because you sir, are a woman... Unless you actually are a woman, in which case, continue reading but ask a man his score before having sex with him. If his response is "what do you mean score? Isn't this haircut da bomb" or something equally as asinine, kick him in the nuts and find a guy who's score is over 40.
Another thing, don't cheat. If you cheat, you are only discrediting yourself when you start taking offense to how manly I am and thinking you can kick my ass even though the only "training" you have is from the Expert Village series on Youtube. If you cheat, congrats man, you really are a bitch. You are so unmanly that you had to cheat on a test that proves your manliness in order to be considered manly enough to read along.
Without further ado (I know it's adieu but I don't believe in French, because it's not manly) here is the test:
#1 You wake up one morning to find a really fat chick lying next to you in bed. How do you react?
a) You somehow convince the Woolly Mammoth to squeeze out your bedroom window so no one sees her leave, remove the wiry hair from between your teeth, and never tell a living soul about what you have done.
b) Have her leave through the front door, but make up a bunch of excuses about how you were too drunk to get it up when your buddies start busting your balls.
c) Take her out for breakfast and nod “what’s up?” to your friends when they give you funny looks. You don’t go so far as to lick the syrup off her lips at the end of the meal, but you smile and treat her with respect.
d) Thank her for taking your virginity and nervously ask her for her phone number.
e) Do not wake her up. Just leave your home and never come back.
ANSWERS
a) +0 points. Let me break this down for you. Sleeping with a fat chick is an automatic-5 points, but covering up the dark
moments of your life like an old- school vet is definitely manly, earning you +5 points. If you should ever find
yourself in this scenario and react in such a manner, consider it a wash on the manliness scale.
b) -10 points. In this scenario, you get-5 points for sleeping with a fat chick, and then you get another-5 points for being a whining bitch.
c) +5 points. If a real man slips in a pile of dog shit, rolls down a hill into a puddle of pig shit, claws his way out only to be
shit on by a cow, he still climbs to his feet with pride. Sleeping with a fat chick and holding your head high is the same
type of scenario. It requires balls of steel and an unbreakable sense of pride, earning you +10 hard-earned
points of manliness. Subtract the five points for the deed itself, and you end up with +5.
d) +0 points. If this was your answer, the reason I didn’t award negative points is that I am now going to ask you politely to stop taking this test. All real men lose their virginity to prostitutes. However, if the fat chick in question was indeed a nighttime model, I will let you slide with zero points and a warning.
e) -15 points. You are a coward, and cowards aren’t manly.
#2 Which do you shave more, your face or your genitals?
a) Face.
b) Genitals.
c) Never shave either.
d) Shave both equally and at the same time.
1) Face and then balls.
2) Balls and then face.
ANSWERS
a) +0 points. Shaving your face makes you a man but not manly.
b) -5 points. You’re disgusting. I should have taken away 10 points.
c) +10 points. You probably live in the hills and kill things, both of which are ultramanly. If you have some type of wild animal as a pet, such as a badger or wombat, give yourself an extra +5 points. And if you actually have a girlfriend (has to be a woman, not the badger or wombat), give yourself an additional +5.
d) +0 points. When you’re in the shower with a razor, giving both your face and sac a “once-over” is not manly or unmanly. However, the order in which you do the shaving is very, very important. If you shave your face and then your balls, as long as you dispose of the razor afterward, give yourself +5 points. If you shave your balls and then your face, it means that you secretly like the scent of nut sac and you are not in any shape or form a real man. As a matter of fact, go ahead and give yourself-15 points.
#3 How much does your favorite pair of jeans cost?
a) $200 or more.
b) Between $100 and $200.
c) Between $50 and $100.
d) Under 50 bucks.
ANSWERS
a) -15 points. Real men don’t pay that much for a washing machine or their hookers.
b) -10 points. $150 is a brand-new chain saw.
c) -5 points. Real men are frugal. They are cheap with their beer and food, so what the fuck makes you think they’d spend that kind of money on jeans?
d) +10 points. Give yourself an extra +5 points if that favorite pair of jeans has an oil stain on them.
#4 Your friends take you out to an all-you-can-eat buffet for your thirteenth birthday, and then surprise you afterward by taking you to Dollywood for a little bungee jumping. You’re just a kid, so you don’t see how bungee jumping after an all-you-can-eat buffet can go terribly wrong. You think that perhaps you might throw up, but instead you shit yourself. Remember, you’re just a kid. How do you handle the situation? Seriously, I want to know.
a) Jump in the nearest public pool.
b) Pretend nothing has happened and go about your day.
c) Go to the public restroom, remove your shit-soaked boxers, and throw them in the trash can. Next, remove your socks, dampen them in the sink, and then clean up everything your boxers didn’t catch. Once you’re done, dispose of your socks. When you get home and your mother asks what happened to your socks, tell that nosy bitch to mind her own business. Afterward, go upstairs and cry yourself to sleep.
ANSWERS
a) +5 points. Although real men don’t drag others down when their ship sinks, they are quick problem solvers.
If the pool is twenty feet from the location where you did the shitting, give yourself +5 points. However, if you
walk all the way home and then jump into your neighbor ’s pool, give yourself-5 points …unless your neighbor
is an asshole who never invites you over to go swimming.
b) +5 points. As I previously mentioned, real men always keep their chin up. If they have shit in their back
pocket, they have shit in their back pocket. Deal with it.
c) +0 points. The reason I didn’t give negative points for this reaction is that shitting yourself at Dollywood is a tragic experience that no child should have to go through on his thirteenth birthday. It’s absolutely terrible. Your friends constantly make fun of you, and it’s not until much later in life when youbecome a fighter or something of that nature that you finally begin to earn just a shred of respect back from them. I don’t care if it’s not manly—I give a pass to every thirteen-year-old who shit himself at Dollywood while bungee jumping and then had to live with the horrible repercussions for years to come.
You go on a first date with a respectable, attractive woman. How do you handle it?
a) You pay for everything, open doors, and kiss her good night instead of trying to get into her pants.
b) You tell her that she can order the most expensive thing on the menu and that you’re picking up the check.
1) The most expensive thing on the menu is a $60 steak.
2) The most expensive thing on the menu is a Big Mac.
c) You focus on how broke you are during dinner conversation and talk her into paying the bill.
d) The moment you pick her up, you ask for gas money.
ANSWERS
a) +10 points. New-school manliness cannot contend with old-school manliness. If you’re a gentleman like Clark Gable, you are a real man. However, if you try to fuck your date at the end of the night, you get zilch. With this one, it’s all or nothing.
b) -5 points. Unless you’ve got old-school manliness, never offer a woman the most expensive thing on the menu.
By saying nothing, you can tell what type of woman she is. If she orders the most expensive thing on her own, she is
most likely out for your money. If she orders the cheapest thing on the menu, she probably lacks confidence and
will be easy to bed.
1) If you’re at a really nice restaurant where the most expensive dish costs $60 or more, you’re an even bigger douche bag. Go ahead and subtract another 15 points.
2) If you took your date to McDonald’s and she actually walked into the place, you already know she has
no self-respect. In such a case, offering her the most expensive thing will probably make her happy and horny.
Consider it a wise move and give yourself +15 points.
#6 You just got knocked the fuck out. Joe Rogan comes over and asks you what happened. What do you say?
a) You immediately begin making excuses. Tell everyone how your hand was hurt going in, your wife left you, you got the flu. Just rattle off every bullshit
reason for the knockout you can think of.
b) You don’t say anything because you are too busy crying.
c) You say, “Everything was going good, and then I just got knocked the fuck out.”
ANSWERS
a) -10 points. Real men don’t make excuses, even when those excuses are legitimate.
b) -5 points. The reason I didn’t subtract more…well, you know the reason.
c) +10 points. This is the way every loss should be handled. In addition to making more fans, you don’t go home feeling like a jackass
#7 In a raffle you recently won a gigantic douche-mobile, such as a Range Rover, Hummer, or some kind of lifted truck. What do you do with it?
a) Go off-roading without worrying about scratching the paint or acquiring a few dents.
b) Donate the piece of shit to charity.
c) Trick it out by purchasing fancy rims that turns it onto an on-road vehicle only.
d) Use it to haul tools and lumber back and forth to work.
ANSWERS
a) +5 points. In order for off-roading to be extremely manly, you have to do it in something that isn’t built for the dirt, like a Honda Civic. But showing that you don’t care about the appearance of the vehicle gives you the points.
b) +10 points. I mean, come on, who really needs a Hummer.
c) -75 points. Do I really need to explain?
d) +10 points. Real men have manly jobs, and sometimes those manly jobs require a big vehicle. Gardening tools don’t count. You’ve got to carry big tools, like lathes and grinders and wood splitters.
There you have it... If you passed Forrest's Test, feel free to absorb the wisdom that is in this page. If you did not, I'm not going to feel sorry for you and I'm sure as hell not going to give you a kiss, why would you even think that? I'll tell you what I will do for you, being the man that I am, I'll make you my personal protege (I'll likely refer to you as minion though because of the whole french thing) provided that you a) call me sir and b) toss out every article of clothing you own that was bought in a store that smells of anything but tanned leather.
More posts up soon,
Cheers,
TyPeets
