Gentlemen,
Did you miss me? I missed the hell out of y’all that’s for sure. Don’t worry, I’m back to administer your newest knowledge injection straight into those pussy little veins of yours. I hope you’ve been doing pushups in the off season because this post is not for the weak of mind, body or soul (that was a trick… souls aren’t real. If you fell for it, go back and start from the very first blog).
Today I’m going to teach you something very valuable. I’m going to show you something that just might save your life (it’s not my penis this time. I promise). I’m going to man your life up so hard you won’t know which way is up. I’m going to teach you what to do when shit hits the fan. Whether the world we occupy is no more and we are forced to live in a Mad Max type of society, a world where the only rule is Thunderdome and even that is relaxed, or you just had one too many drinks at the bar and decide you don’t like the guy you’re looking at anymore, I’m going to teach you how to fight.
Before I get into the actual meat and potatoes of the lesson, I have the urge to point out that this is the most words I’ve ever written without using the F word.
Fuck.
Now that we got that out of the way, let’s learn.
Let’s begin with a brief history of fighting. It is widely believed by many historians that fighting began in 1938 when a group called the Nazis decided to pick on the world. The world won that fight and were named the first ever Heavyweight Champion.
In the world’s first title defense, Hulk Hogan managed to leg drop the world and won the title. Hogan held the title for somewhere in the neighborhood of 16 years until Sergeant Slaughter and his manager Saddam Hussein had enough of Hogan’s shit and made him a reality TV star. At around the same time, they decided to have all the oil. The World said, “We like oil” and decided to come out of retirement to try to take the title from the oil barons. After like 10 years and a lot of idiocy, the world managed to submit Iraq via triangle choke. Brock Lesnar then fought the World but was kicked in the stomach really hard and so he lost the fight, forcing a very early retirement. Also, USA beat up Vietnam backstage with a chair.
So that pretty much cover’s the history of fighting.
Now let’s learn how to punch things, just like our buddy Uncle Sam (I mean America, not your alcoholic Uncle Sam who gets drunk and hits you at Christmas. He’s probably best to stay away from).
Lesson #1: Defense
Right now, the only defense you likely know is bleeding and crying until the person punching you gets tired. I’m going to teach you the easiest way to block a punch.
First off, blocking punches doesn’t happen like it does in the movies. You’re never going to pick a fist out of the air like you just found your favourite chips on the shelf and want to secure them before some other piece of crap like you gets their grubby little hands on them. Fists move very quickly and by the time you think to grab it, it’s already hit you in the nose and has swung around for round 2.
The easiest and most effective way to block a punch is to stop it from being thrown in the first place. The easiest way to do this is to block the shoulder. When you sense that you are about to get punched (hint: it’s usually right around the time you pinch that ‘roid monkey’s girlfriend’s ass for the third time) look very closely at your assailant’s shoulders. When you see a shoulder drop, that’s where the punch is coming from. Place your non-dominant hand over your dominant hand and straighten your arms. At the same time lunge forward, landing your outstretched hands squarely on that guy’s shoulder. This will stop the punch from its origin and stop you from getting hit once. Note that after this, your attacker will start mercilessly beating the everloving fuck out of you. This is something you want to avoid.
Lesson #2: Offense
So you’ve blocked a punch but you’ve created a little problem for yourself. You don’t know how to fight and you are now even closer to that yeti who has his heart set on making your face a thing of the past. Once you’ve managed to stave off the initial onslaught, you have to get a very quick leg up. If this fight is consensual and fair, you should avoid dirty tactics as you would likely be charged. From your position after the blocke, you should now be less than an arm’s length from your attacker and to one side. Take your fist that is to the outside of your attacker (likely to be your left hand) and throw a hook into the jaw of your opponent, just in front of the ear. This punch is extremely effective and will knock him off balance. At this point you can either keep throwing punches until he goes down, or wait for him to get up and start the whole thing over again. Either way, be smart and avoid his fists.
My area of expertise is in Krav Maga which is Israeli for “murder everyone in the most brutal, efficient and gory way you can” and so I have a broad array of follow-ups that are effective from the position you are in after the block. If this is a life or death situation, that is, it’s not a fight you agreed to and this guy actually wants you dead, do these things, in this order and even your best friends will find it difficult to maintain eye contact with you for fear that they will be your next victim.
a) Throat – Using our inside hand, hit your assailant right in the Adams apple as hard as you can. This will afford you an opening for the next attack
b) Groin – Kick him in the nuts like you are trying to nail a 60 yard field goal. You want your shin to crush his testicles. Ever been hit hard in the nuts? You know what comes next. He’s probably going to fall over on this one, or fall to his knees.
c) Face – If he falls to his knees, use your thumbs and shove them in his eyes until they don’t go any further. This should end the fight. If he falls to the ground, kick his face until you are satisfied that he’s not going to attack you anymore. If he somehow remained standing after the groin shot, break his nose. The best way to do this is to ball your fist and swing it bottom first (hammer fist) right at his nose.
d) Body – If he remained standing after the groin and nose, punch him right at the bottom of his ribs in the centre. This is the location of the liver and will stagger him.
e) Head – Punch him right in the temple as hard as you can. This will undoubtedly end his attack
f) RUN – If it is a life or death situation, you’re pride disappeared right around the time you destroyed any hope he ever had of bearing children.
If this is too many steps to remember, try adding different words. I like Titties Give Fun Bouncy Head Rushes because it mentions boobs and boobs are awesome. Just remember that this is only to be used if your life is in danger. Using these moves in a consensual fight will land you right in the slammer.
A big part of Krav Maga is defending against multiple assailants or armed assailants. I’m not going to help you out with this because the second someone thinks they know how to fight, they try to be a hero and end up getting themselves killed. If you all die, no one will read my blog. If you want to learn more about how to deal with these situations, join a Krav gym or go to Israel and learn the hard way.
I’m going to leave you guys with this. Fighting is not manly; it’s actually kind of dumb. Knowing how to fight is manly though. What I gave you here was intentionally vague. If you’re going to go around starting fights without a good reason, you’re the exact type of bitch I don’t want reading this.
I haven’t thought of the next topic yet, as I don’t think of a topic until I’m about halfway through the thing usually. Give me some ideas and I’ll see what I can do.
Peace out gangsters,
TyPeets
