If you are Tom Selleck, you don't need to worry, you're already a real man.
Gentlemen, a lot of you have read the initial post and a lot of you have failed the test. Now, this means that you shouldn't be allowed to read this post, but I'm not ruler of the internet yet so I can't ban you from reading on. Those of you who failed the test may be thinking to yourself, 'but TyPeets, I am a manly motherfucker. My mom tells me every day. I am more manly than my friends but I still failed the test. Is there any way that I can become more manly?' Well you are in luck, I'm in a generous mood today so I'll do all of you sissies a favour. First off, before I get to the list, stop telling me that your mom tells you that you are manly. It's creepy and being creepy is not manly. Also, the fact that you are the most manly out of all of your friends does not make you more of a man. It's like that runner from South Africa, Caster Semenya. She is the most manly one of his/her peers, but she still has woman parts.
So, here's the list...
1) Respect
Real men respect other people like they want to be respected. Whether a person is above them (financially, corporately or otherwise successfully) or below them, a real man treats his peers with respect. It doesn't matter the gender, the race or the religion of the person, people are people and real men realize this. Being manly and being a chauvinist are not one in the same. Last post I made a comment about women being bad drivers and I got a slew of emails from angry female readers telling me that they, in fact, were excellent drivers (although I have had the (dis)pleasure of driving with many of the ones who emailed and I can tell you that they are some of the worst drivers I have ever seen). Relax, it's a joke. Not every female is a bad driver. My mother is a great driver in a straight line. If she has to back up, parallel park, navigate a tight spot or do any sort of driving that is even kind of out of the norm, she has to get myself or my father to do it. Such is the case for MOST women I know (note that most is capitalized to show not all). As I stated, being chauvinistic is not manly. In fact, disrespecting and especially abusing women (physically, verbally or mentally) is not only unmanly, it is just downright low. You are the bane of the universe, the scum of existence, the "men" who sink so low as to lay a hand on a woman.
2) Facial Hair
Real men can grow beards. Personally, I can grow a decent beard in about three days and I know many people who can attest to this. I'm not talking about the scraggly, patchy, teenage beards that those girly men like Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp grow. I'm talking full out, Dos Equis Guy beards.
3) Brains
Real men are smart (relax, I didn't say smarter than women). Period. Book smarts are half the battle. The other half comes from years of practice, patience and a lot of trial and error. It's what allows us to build the houses we live in, the bridges we cross and the cars we drive... These men are geniuses.
4) Mantuition
Women always talk about women's intuition. It's how they can tell their spouse is cheating, their kids are sick or another woman's period is giving her problems. These traits are all well and good but they aren't going to save you when shit goes down. Enter Mantuition. There's been an accident that has left you and your family stranded in a forrest. Which way is north? If a wild animal attacked you right now, without warning, what would you use that is in your reach to ward it off? After killing that animal, what is the best way to build a fire using only what you have outside (no lighters) to cook it? You need shelter, how do you build a lean-to? How do you collect fresh water? If you can answer those questions in less than 5 seconds each, you were likely born with mantuition (if you've ever actually been in that situation, you probably have a pretty amazing beard too). Mantuition is not learned... It is innate to all men out there.
5) Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar
First thing I want you to note; it is grammar, not grammer. SPG are three things that really bug me in the age of texting, IM and the internet in general. Anyone who has ever received a text from me, an IM from me, or has read my blog will notice that I type you, not u. I form sentences with real words, complete with punctuation. I try my best to avoid short forms and I most certainly will never use LOLSpeak (the new language invented from those stupid 'I can has cheezeburger' cats). It's not because I think I am better than you, it's because those who tipe liek thissssssssss come off as complete idiots. Facebook is going to be the end of the English language as we know it... Please help it out by typing like a literate person, not like a four year old.
7) (Lack of) Designer Clothes
Men do not wear Abercrombie and Fitch, Holister or any of that crap. Men wear clothes that are comfortable, have oil stains on them, and they wear them for a long time... Our jeans come whole and the holes, stains and fades come from years of working hard in them. Men really don't give a shit what our clothes look like. I'll go to a wedding in work boots and a sweatshirt if it interferes with chores.
8) Hard Work
Real men work hard. We will work 60 hours a week if it means putting food on the table. There's no substitute for a man who has not only a can do attitude but a will do attitude. It doesn't have to be construction or automobiles, I am a chemist by trade (although I do have a lot of experience in the skilled trades), but every day a real man comes to work, he puts forth 110% from shift start to shift end.
9) Manly Hands
This is a by-product of hard work. Manly hands are big, strong and rough... If your hands are smoother than your girlfriend's, you either masturbate way too much or you need to start doing something that involves lifting more than the remote softy. If you have dainty little hands, you can't protect your loved ones.
And that brings me to the tenth and final area of manliness for this post:
10) Protection
And I'm not talking about what your dad should have worn with your mom, sissy. A real man can and will protect his family until the bitter end. Be it with a gun, a bat or good old fashioned fisticuffs, a man will stop at nothing to ensure his loved ones are safe. Ladies, if a madman looking like Mel Gibson from Mad Max walked into your house with a knife and an out-to-rape attitude, what would your boyfriend/husband do? Would he hide with you, shaking like a little puppy? OR would he put up his dukes and drop that fucker? I already know what I would do.
And that, my friends, is 10 of the many, many ways to tell how manly you really are. Obviously there are more than just 10 areas of manliness; we didn't even get into hunting, fishing, the internal combustion engine and mantiquing.
Let me know what you guys want to see next and I'll either take your advice or ignore it because real men play by their own rules (free tip y'all).
More Posts Soon,
Cheers,
TyPeets
