It's been so long. I've been taking a little sabbatical from my duty as the manliest motherfucker you know to work on my novel (read: to get drunk and masturbate). I bet you that sorry excuse for a penis you were starting to develop has receded back into the vagina that was there before you met me. I bet you your girlfriend has reclaimed those balls you worked so hard to reclaim. I bet you that you missed the fuck out of me when I was gone and were reading the old blogs over and over just hoping they'd smell like me (you creepy sons of bitches, I love you all).
Don't worry, I'm back now and I can't help but notice something. Something disturbing. Something downright wrong with the world since I last checked in. There seems to be an awful lot of pussy ass bitches running around out there. You know the ones. They walk around in their painted on jeans with their "ironic" shirts and shitty beards. They wear Ray Bans with the lenses taken out of them... those dudes.
The world is in serious need of some sort of overhaul. I'm not suggesting anything rash, just some good ol' fashioned manliness that needs to be spread around. Lucky for y'all if manliness were manure, I'm a goddamned shit spreader. I've compiled a little list of ways you or the people you know can man the fuck up (note: I don't know how many items there will be on here because I'm drunk and I'm just going to type til I fall asleep).
Get ready ladies and gentlemen because I'm going to facepunch some straight up, nitrogen enriched, dual overhead cam, ball breaking, earth shattering knowledge into that stupid pile of dead fetuses you call a brain. Everyone get the fuck down because TyPeets is drunk and pissed off.
Lesson #1: No One Cares
A lot of you who are reading this probably got offended at the fact that I called your brain a pile of dead fetuses. A lot of you watch youtube videos or listen to music and comment about the content. A lot of you are whiney fucking bitches.
No one gives a shit if you don't like the fact that I said fetus, or that so and so said the N word, or that Janet Jackson's old, decrepit boob popped out at the Superbowl. All your complaining does is make you look like a pussy. Being manly is about respect. It's not about being loud, boisterous or trying to be heard. If you are offended by something that doesn't affect you, grow a fucking sack and shut the hell up. People are going to say and do dumb shit because people are inherently stupid. I'm not saying that it is right for the person to do such a thing, but that person has the right to speak whatever the hell they want. Let people do their own thing and until it directly interferes with your life, fuck off.
Lesson #2: Suck it up
I don't mean what that nasty old man did to that kid's milkshake in There Will Be Blood. I mean when someone wrongs you, suck it up princess, life sucks sometimes.
Don't go and fucking off yourself because some chick dumped you. Someone making fun of you shouldn't ruin your life. If some dude steps on your toe in the street, don't go home and talk about how bad your day was. Just suck it up.
You need to let things go dude. Quit being a pussy and go do some pushups.
Lesson #3: Being Manly on Facebook
Facebook hasn't been around that long but its already spiraled to the point of ultimate unmanliness. I can't count the number of times I've read about breakups, fights, backstabbing best friends and other girly shit no one fucking cares about. Facebook is meant for 2 things and 2 things only. It's meant for catching up with all of your old friends and its meant for checking out the hot chicks' pictures from that vacation to Mexico (dude, if you think I'm being serious on the second one stop reading. Stop reading and go back to not having a life).
When you and your partner have a fight, don't put that shit up on facebook for everyone to see. Nobody who reads that thinks "Awww, Jim and Jane had a fight, it looks like Jane was being a selfish bitch again". What they are thinking is "Jesus Christ, if I see one more post from Jim asking Jane to forgive him via a status update, I'm going to punch him in the balls so hard that his dreams will have nightmares about it." The public forum is not the place to carry out your arguments. Argue like my girlfriend and I do... by fistfighting in the kitchen until one of us accidentally touches boob and the whole thing turns into passionate lovemaking (hint: I'm always the boob toucher).
Don't post emotional bullshit on facebook. No one cares if you are "feeling so alone right now" or "wishing I wasn't such a pussy that you broke up with me and found some guy who reads TyPeets' blog (note: this actually happened to a friend of mine from the US, he knows who he is)". So what, you got your heart broken, you've got 2 of them for a reason. The more you post shit like that, the more chicks who would normally totally want to bang you will start to think you're a pussy. Instead, every time you feel like posting something gay like that, post a picture of the shit you took that morning (if you aren't taking pictures of all of your craps and sending them to your friends, you should start doing that. It's super manly). If there's one thing I know about women, it's that they love poop. Keep in mind though, everything I know about women begins and ends with two girls one cup.
Also, while we're manning up your facebook, why don't you just go ahead and delete those fucking games on there. I swear to Tony if you give me one more Mafia Wars request I'm going to buy you a puppy. I'm going to wait for you to fall in love with that puppy and then I'm going to kill it right in front of you.
Lesson #4: Just Man the Fuck Up
It seems like such a simple task for the real men out there to just carry out our day without pussifying everything around us. I find the best way to keep manly is to get super drunk every night (alcoholism is very manly), start fights with random passers by (even if they are women), eating only red meat, and having sex with something once a day. The easiest thing to do is to ask yourself, "what would my grandpa do?" because I can guarantee you your grandpa is a million times more manly than you are.
For those of you not willing to step into the footsteps of the one and only TyPeets, or for those of you with pussy ass grandparents, I'll give you this: When life hands you lemons, you get drunk as fuck, fight life, sleep with life's sister fate, come home to life and ask if that bitch traded the lemons in for steak yet (I'm pretty sure that's how the old saying goes).
I'm going to try to post a lot more often, but I do whatever the fuck I want because I'm a man.
Cheers,
TyPeets
