Beer - It'll Get You Drunk

Gentlemen,

What's this, TyPeets writing 2 posts in one week? I know you are used to only having one knowledge bucket a month or so but I had to post this. I just posted about Mother Nature's most amazing creation, meat, and it was, on the whole, fairly well-received. There are a few people out there who thought that the barnyard was "excessive" and that I was somewhat insensitive to a certain demographic of people. Need I refer you to the one and only rule of this blog?

First off, real men shoot whiskey. No ifs ands or buts. If you can't shoot whiskey, kindly ask your girl for your balls back, and try again. Beer should be used for one purpose, to chase your whiskey.

Now that I have that out of the way, let's get drunk!

It is time to fill that stupid head of yours full of some straight up, unpasteurized, cold filtered goodness. So pull up a barstool because this post is about the most amazing thing that man has ever created... No I'm not talking about internet porn you lonely bastard (seriously bro, find a girl and make her a duck already). I'm talking about the nectar of the Gods, BEER!

Anyone who knows anything knows that beer is made by extracting the tit juice of a Greek goddess and combining it with 3 parts magic and one part awesome to create liquid heaven. It's been around for about six thousand years, and has been manly as fuck ever since then. It's actually probably the reason that you are alive and reading this blog today.

A lot of you women out there are going to get offended right about now because I'm going to go ahead and tell you that what you drink is not beer. If you consider Coors Light, Bud Light Lime or any "beer" with Light after the name to be a beer, you are sorely mistaken. "But TyPeets, light beers have way less calories." Shut up, you are drinking beer, not a delicious smoothie made up of mandarin oranges and strawberries with some ginseng for energy and a little yogurt for substance. You're clearly not watching your weight if you are out at the bar. Real weight management requires dedication and literally not drinking even that watery shit you call light beer (I'm a little bitter on this subject because I'm currently cutting and, thus, not drinking beer). Whether you have one real beer or 6 Coors Light, you're not going to come out of this one better off by going light. If you think you are drinking a beer when you consume a Corona, you are sorely mistaken (Fact: Corona is made by pissing in a bottle that once contained beer and sticking a lime in it).

Real beer should be drank slowly and enjoyed in every delicious drop. Real beer should not taste like lime or apple or berries. It should taste like fucking beer. 

There's a million different types of beer out there but I have a feeling y'all need a crash course. Lucky for you I'm sober and therefore not lazy today.

Top Fermented Beers - These include your Brown Ale, Mild Ale, Pale ale, Stout, and Wheat beers

                                 

These guys are my personal favourites. They are fermented at high temperatures and this produces a lot of esters (little chemistry for you, esters make stuff smell/taste like other stuff) and so their flavour can be anywhere from fruity (like tasting of fruit, not like how your dad says you are acting when a girl dumps you and you try to talk to him about it) to almost grass-like. Examples of these include Guiness, Rickard's White, Alexander Kieth's - the dark "thick" beers

Bottom Fermented Beers - Lager, Pilsner

BFB's are fermented at lower temperatures. These are the beers that your dad probably drinks. As a matter of fact, these beers make up a large majority of all of the beer out there. These ones don't necessarily taste as good as their darker brethren, but what they lack in taste, they make up for in smoothness and, by default, the ability to slam back a ton of them. Molson Canadian, Labatt Blue, Carlsberg, etc.

Those are the only two that I will touch on because, chances are, they are the only ones you'll ever come across with any sort of regularity. They make up 99% of the beer world and that's good enough to get me drunk and then some.

I have tried dozens, if not hundreds of different types of beers. Some just having a few casual beers and some going on 2 month benders using whatever beer I can get my hands on (DMak, you know what I'm driving at). However, I've compiled a list of 10 must drink beers - I suggest drinking all of these in one night because not only does beer give you the ability to think you are more amazing than you are, but it'll get you drunk. And there's nothing more manly than getting drunk.

#10 - Molson M - 4.9% alcohol by volume

This is a brand spankin new beer on the market and the only Molson beer that I can even stand. It is the world's first microcarbonated. I really don't know what the fuck that means but the bubbles in the beer are really tiny and it makes the beer go down very smooth. I drank 32 of them before I realized that I wasn't drinking water. Normally it would lose points for this, but at 4.9% it has the getyoudrunkability of a real beer.

Style: Lager

Tastes like: Slightly hopsy but not overpowering. Some caramel.

The Bad: Molson hasn't gotten rid of their shitty aftertaste

Recommended for: Dads whose stomach isn't what it used to be

#9 - Steamwhistle - 5% alcohol by volume

This one I've been drinking for awhile. It reminds me of being 14 and stealing a bunch of Colt 45. It has that malty taste and really sits nice if you're going to be having more than a couple. 

Style: Pilsner

Tastes like: Sweet, bitter, smooth

The Bad: It's a pilsner, if you've ever had the misfortune of farting after getting drunk off pilsner, you know what it's like to peel the paint off of a footlocker.

Recommended for: The people who aren't very adventurous. Stick to the same type of beer but feel like slowly moving out. Caution, this is a gateway beer. One minute, you're dabbling in a new pilsner. The next, you're sucking dick in a back alley just so you can get your next fix of that sweet, sweet God Nectar.

#8 - Miller Genuine Draft or MGD (Purchased in Canada, not the states) - 4.7% alcohol by volume

This will for sure be the last American beer on here. Generally American beer tastes as though you poured your beer into a bucket of water and then dumped the bucket into a pool. If you buy your MGD in Canada though, you are in for a treat. This beer is brewed cold. This is weird because most beers, even bottom or "cold" fermented beers are still done around 15 degrees. The cold filtering removes the bitterness from the beer and leaves a very sweet, very smooth beer.

Style: Lager

Tastes Like: Barley. Sweet, smooth and dry. No aftertaste.

The Bad: This beer is sweet. If you don't like headaches, drink lots of water when you drink this one

Recommended for: The nights where 1 or 2 beers isn't going to be enough

#7 - Innis & Gunn - 6.6% alcohol by volume

This one is brewed in Scotland. Those dudes know their shit when it comes to drinking. I mentioned before how real men shoot whiskey, Innis & Gunn can be drunken on its own and still be manly. It is aged in oak barrels and tastes a lot like whiskey when you drink it. At 6.6% this fucker will make you rambunctious just like whiskey too. 

Style: These dudes invented their own style - Oak Aged

Tastes Like: Vanilla, caramel, acorn (acorn?), pear - Seriously, this beer is fucked

The Bad: Shit is strong as hell

Recommended for: The nights you want to get hella drunk under the guise of drinking beer

#6 Grasshopper - 5% alcohol by volume

This one is probably the most mellow tasting beer on this list. It is sweet, bitter, citrus and amazing. A Canadian wheat beer out of Alberta, it goes good absolutely any time of the day but especially for breakfast. 

Style: Wheat Beer

Tastes Like: Smooth, hopsy, lemon

The Bad: Get it in draught. When you buy it in a bottle, the wheat settles to the bottom and tastes like shit.

Recommended for: Everyone, even kids. Especially kids. It tastes like candy.

#5 Guinness - 5% abv (in North America)

Ah Guinness. Everyone knows what it is, what it looks like and probably that your grandpa likes it. Here is a free tip for you, your grandpa is manly, and he knows his beer. Guinness is delicious and thick. It is what everyone thinks of when they think European Beer. Surprisingly though, not many people under the age of 40 have ever tasted Guinness. Next time you are at the bar, treat yourself to this magical beer. If you are a fan of real beer, you will love it.

Style: Stout 

Tastes Like: Bitter as all hell. You cannot chug this beer.

The Bad: You can't get drunk off of it because you will get full much, much before this.

Recommended for: The days where you didn't have time for any meals. 

#4 Mill Street Original Organic - 4.2% abv

This guy is one of the weakest of the bunch. I'm including it for you soyfuckers out there who only wear hemp and do things that are earth friendly. This beer is for you. And anyone else who loves good beer. Seriously, as much as I am an advocate for making as big of a carbon footprint as I can, this beer is delicious. 

Style: Pilsner

Tastes Like: MGD

The Bad: You are saving the environment drinking this = Unmanly

Recommended for: Soyfuckers

#3 - Delirium Tremens - 8.5% abv

This beer was once named best beer in the world... and for a damned good reason. It tastes amazing and definitely unlike any beer I have ever tried. It is extremely hopsy and bitter but somehow sweet and light. It scores extreme man points because it has a pink elephant on the bottle and the name Delirium Tremens actually comes from one of the most severe symptoms of alcohol withdrawal which involves the sufferer shaking like a madman. You'll recognize this one as the one with the pink elephant on the bottle.

Style: Pale Ale

Tastes Like : Very hopsy. Cotton Candy

The Bad: Nothing bad to say about this one

Recommended for: Getting wasted... Shit in the litterbox wasted

#2 - Steigl Radler - 2.5% abv

This one is by far the weakest and you can almost call it juice. Now, it goes against my real beer motto of "it should taste like beer" but it was introduced to me by a manly-ass dude by the name of DMak. This one is delicious and actually has kind of an interesting back-story. In the Alps, it's really easy to get 2 things accomplished very fast. 1) Dying of dehydration because you are climbing a mountain. 2) Getting drunk as fuck on account of the lack of oxygen that high up. So the clever bastards at Steigl decided to get two birds stoned at once and create a beer that could hydrate mountain climbers and get them drunk enough to spend all of their money and impregnate the daughters of Hinrick Steigl so that he could have grandkids to get drunk. 

Style: Lager

Tastes like: Grapefruit, raspberry, or lemon - depends which flavour you get

The Bad: Weak as fuck at sea level

Recommended for: Picking up chicks with your knowledge of beers they will like

#1 La Trappe by Koningshoeven - 7.5% abv

This beer is the grand daddy. A Dutch masterpiece, much like myself. It is a Trappist Beer. What is a Trappist Beer? I'm glad you asked:

A Trappist beer is somewhat different to an abbey beer. Out of all the beers in the world, only seven of them can use the name ‘Trappist’: Achel, Chimay, Westmalle, Orval, Rochefort, Westvleteren and La Trappe.

A Trappist beer is only given this name if it satisfies a number of strict criteria:

1.  The beer is brewed within the walls of a Trappist abbey, by the monks themselves or under their supervision.
2.  The brewery must be controlled by the monastery and have a business culture compatible with the monastic project.
3.  The purpose of the brewery is not to make a profit. The income takes care of the livelihood of the monks and the upkeep of the abbey site. What is left over is used for charitable purposes, social work and people in need.

The Trappist breweries produce beers of an impeccable quality that is permanently controlled. Thus a La Trappe Trappist contains 100% natural ingredients.

Yeah, it's that epic. My absolute favourite beer by a long shot.

Style: Wheat Beer

Tastes like: Very hopsy. Caramel

The Bad: There is absolutely nothing bad to say about this beer. It is perfection.

Recommended for: Anyone who appreciates good beer

Gentlemen that is all she wrote for this evening. Lots of beers to go out and try so get on it. Feel free to recommend some if you want and I'll give them a look.  

Just remember something for me. Alcohol is not an excuse to act like a complete douche. Beer is a lovely thing and if it is enjoyed properly, can be a great way to have some fun. For those of you who decide to have a few drinks and drive home. Fuck you. I'm serious, you may think you are alright, but if I lose another friend to a drunk driver, I will personally find you and make sure that my foot ends up squarely in your anus.

On a lighter note, I'm not done posting yet. I haven't taught you ladies how to shave, blow things up, or tune-up an engine yet. More posts soon.

Cheers,

TyPeets

Meat - Enough Said

Gentlemen,

The last post was well received so we'll give this cooking thing a try again. This time though, instead of getting you laid like I did last time (which worked for at least a couple people), I will be teaching you wannabe men out there to do what men are meant to do, cook meat. I am going to go over only things that can be done on the barbecue (except the last one), which is everything. You can even cook your vegetables on the barbecue, which, if you have to cook vegetables, i recommend because it makes the vegetables sort of taste like meat. Just remember, nobody oooo's and awe's over grilled eggplant, basted in chipotle barbecue sauce... Give the people what they want; MEAT (Note: Semicolons, even if misused are manly).

Now, barbecuing is a science. It requires patience, commitment and, most importantly, liquor. I am going to teach you guys how to make alcohol your friend. I'm not talking about staying up late with a bottle of wine and crying about your crappy life. Wine isn't manly, and crying is most certainly not. If your life is that bad, shoot some whiskey and fight someone. I'm talking about using alcohol to benefit your cooking. Using your friends to benefit you is manly. Being there to help your friends is not.

You may think that you know how to barbecue, and a few of you may have some serious skills, but let me tell you, that hockey puck that you served me is not a steak. So it would make sense that the first thing I teach you how to do is cook the perfect steak. That's not going to happen. Being manly is about doing what you want and disregarding the consequences. Not following a perfect segue. (Note: that was a perfect opportunity to use a semicolon. Re-read the second last sentence)

Whole Roasted Beer Can Chicken


This is a personal favourite of mine. It's simple, delicious chicken that uses science to moisten the chicken from the inside out. Fucking smart.


What you need:


A Chicken
1 Can and 6 Bottles of beer - I recommend using lager or pilsner for the can because you want it to evaporate
2 Tbsp - Olive Oil
2 Tbsp - Salt
2 Tsp - Ground Black Pepper


Rub:

1 Tsp each - Ground Garlic, Onion Powder, Paprika, Salt

1/2 Tsp each - Ground Coriander, Cumin, Black Pepper, Rosemary
1/4 Tsp - Cayenne Pepper


First thing you want to do is combine the rub ingredients in a bowl. Next you want to rinse the chicken inside and our and dry with paper towels. Rub the chicken with the oil, then with the salt and pepper, and then with the rub. This is known internationally as the triple rub-down. Next, open the can of beer and discard half of it down your throat (DO NOT DUMP THE BEER OUT! This is alcohol abuse and I will not stand for it). This next step is crucial as you do not want to spill your beer. Grab each leg of the chicken and place it over the can. The cavity of the chicken (its ass) should fit snugly, but nicely over the can.


Next you want to bring your grill to medium-high heat. You are going to take the chicken on a can and place it in the center of one of the grills, balancing the bird on its two legs and the can. It should, at this point, closely resemble what you do every Saturday. Turn the burner on which your bird is sitting off - you don't want to burn that sonofabitch. Keep the other burner on medium-high for about an hour and fifteen minutes (an hour and a quarter for my redneck friends out there). While it is cooking, you want to keep the lid of the barbecue closed and drink the 6 bottles of beer. After this time you want to check the internal temperature. The chicken is done when the breast temperature is 165F and the thigh juice runs clear when stabbed.


Remove the chicken from the heat and let it sit for 10 minutes. At this point you have 2 choices. You can discard the scalding hot beer or you can be ultramanly and drink that bacteria-ridden, throat destroying soup of death.


Jack Daniels Barbecue Sauce

Ask anyone who knows anything about barbecue sauce what their favourite sauce is. I can guarantee that they will say that it is whiskey sauce. I'm going to teach you to make a Jack Daniels Sauce that not only tastes fucking delicious, but will make you want to fight anyone who happens to look at you wrong.

What you need:


A 40 of Jack Daniels
1/2 Onion Chopped Finely
4 Cloves of Garlic Chopped Finely
2 Cups - Ketchup
1/3 Cup - Vinegar
3 Tbsp - Worchestershire Sauce

1/2 Cup - Brown Sugar

3/4 Cup - Molasses
1/2 Tsp - Pepper
1/2 Tsp - Salt
1/4 Cup - Tomato Paste
1 Tsp - Liquid Smoke
1/2 Tsp - Tobasco Sauce (use a full teaspoon if you're using Frank's Redhot)

Mix the onion, garlic and 3/4 Cup of JD in a saucepan. Heat on med-high until the onion is translucent. Add the remaining ingredients and bring it to a boil. Simmer that shit until it's nice and thick. Go shot for shot with your best friend using the rest of the whiskey. Since your best friend is your mom, you'll likely lose this drinking contest so I'm going to add a step. Cry inconsolably while your mom tells you that it's okay, you're still her special little guy. Pussy.

The Perfect Steak


There are 2 keys to making the perfect steak. The first one is the marinade. Really good steaks don't really need one, but it still makes even the best steaks taste even better. Second key is not to cook the everloving shit out of it. Not only does it cause black cancer death to ruin an otherwise delicious slab of meat. But it makes the steak tough and stringy and really hard to eat.


Marinade:


The perfect steak needs the perfect marinade. This marinade works well and will make your steak angry; and an angry steak is a delicious steak.


First you want to pour half a beer into a plastic bag. Next you're going to add to that beer, 2 or 3 cloves of finely chopped garlic, a pinch of cayenne, 2 pinches of onion powder and a nice big sqeeze of your favourite barbecue sauce (don't use the Jack Daniels one). Mix this shit around and it should look like a bag of puke with a slab of steak in the middle. Marinade for 12 hours or so. The morning that you are going to cook that bitch, you want to put 2 shots of Jack in there. About a half hour before cooking, you're going to toss in about a tablespoon of lime juice. I'll stress that you want to do this no more than a half hour before cooking. If you're not sure why, soak your penis in lime juice for over a half hour and watch as it turns to mush and falls off. To not get super sciencey, the acid in the lime juice activates enzymes in the meat which destroy the shit out of it. You're adding it to take away some of the toughness, not turn it into steak soup.

To cook it you want to turn your bbq on high and get that bitch nice and hot. Throw the steak on and you should hear the best sound ever. Leave it for about 2 minutes and then turn it on the other side. Again, best sound ever. Now you want to turn the heat down a bit and cook it until it's at your desired doneness. Don't cut it open because that makes searing the fats inside of it completely redundant. Check it by poking it. If it feels like squeezing your thumb and index finger together (making an "ok" sign), it's rare. if it feels like your thumb and middle finger together (the reverse shocker), it's medium. If it feels like your pinky finger and thumb together, it's well done. If you are cooking for people, you want to figure out these feelings beforehand so you don't look like a retard pressing your fingers and then touching everyone's steak with your fecal-bacteria ridden hands.

The Barnyard - A.K.A. The Gratuitous Act of Violence

This bitch is the Batman of meals. It makes Wendy's Baconator look like a pussy. It is quite literally the epitome of manliness. It makes even the legendary Turducken look civilized.


As a warning, this bitch feeds A LOT of people. I can be certain that you could feed at least 300 people with this thing. I know that you don't know 300 people so if you are going to attempt this, let me know and I'll bring the people.


What you need:


Bacon (lots)
A quail
A cornish hen
A chicken
A duck
A turkey
A pig
A cow (yep, a whole goddamned cow)

Corn Bread Dressing

Sausage glue
Large Needle and Cotton Thread
A big ass steel bar
A not so big steel bar
2 Big ass "A" arms
A Motor capable of spinning a whole fucking cow
A nice big charcoal fire


Alright, so now I assume you know what I'm driving at. I'm going to stuff all these bitches inside of one another and cook the fuck out of them.

Rinse the turkey and remove the neck and giblets. Place the turkey boobs down and cut through the skin down the spine. Usind the tip of a knife, separate the meat from the ribs. Toward the neck, you want to cut through the meat and expose the shoulder blade. Cut the meat away from the bone and sever the bone at the joint to remove the blade. Bust the wings at the second and third joints but keep them attached. Contunue seperating the meat from the bones heading down toward the thigh. Remove the thighbone from the carcass but keep the leg attached. Repeat the same thing down the other side of the bird and remove the skeleton.

Now you have a flat, boneless turkey with the skin intact. Put that bitch in the fridge and cover it with plastic wrap to stop it from drying.


Repeat this process on the duck, the chicken, the hen and the quail, but this time remove the bones from the wings and drumsticks. 


Sausage glue - Take 3 lbs of sausage and 2 eggs and process them in a food processor until they make a paste.


Spread the turkey out and spread the sausage glue all over the inside. Put the duck on top, skin down, spread sausage glue. Repeat the bird/glue procedure until you have a giant pile of meat, and you are out of birds to cook.

Next you are going to fold the sides of the turkey together and sew down the back of the turkey. Wrap the whole thing about 4 times with cotton thread and tie the legs together. Put the giant ball of dead birds, boobs up, on a rack and put the rack on a baking sheet. Roast at 225F for about 9 hours or until the center of the bird is 165F.

Now you're going to want to wrap that son of a bitch in bacon and shove it inside of the pig. You'll likely have to debone the pig first just like you did with the turkey. Sew it shut.

You'll have to stab the pig all the way through, lengthwise with the not so big steel bar. Make yourself a wicked fire using about 140lbs of charcoal as a bed. You want this fire to be about 350F. To tell how hot it is, hold your hand at cooking level. You should be able to leave it there for 8-10 seconds but no more than 12. You'll want to put a drip pan filled with salt, pepper, garlic, orange juice, butter and some herbs, underneath and baste the pig every half hour or so, using the drippings as well. The drip pan will also stop it from lighting on fire. Which looks awesome but ruins the pig. The pig is done when it's about 170F inside the thickest part.

Next you'll want to remove the spit and put the whole thing inside of the cow. You can use the same cow that you should have hooked up in your walk in freezer that you've been punching. Put the big ass bar all the way through and set it on the A arms. Hook the motor up and let it spin. for this guy you'll need the same temperature which means that you'll also need about 1500 pounds of charcoal for the bed. Cook it just like you did the pig, but this time you don't really need to pay too much attention to the internal temperature as it will taste better if it's a little pink.

Well, I don't really have any closing remarks as I'm too busy drooling. Talk to you guys soon.

Cheers,

TyPeets