What's this, TyPeets writing 2 posts in one week? I know you are used to only having one knowledge bucket a month or so but I had to post this. I just posted about Mother Nature's most amazing creation, meat, and it was, on the whole, fairly well-received. There are a few people out there who thought that the barnyard was "excessive" and that I was somewhat insensitive to a certain demographic of people. Need I refer you to the one and only rule of this blog?
First off, real men shoot whiskey. No ifs ands or buts. If you can't shoot whiskey, kindly ask your girl for your balls back, and try again. Beer should be used for one purpose, to chase your whiskey.
Now that I have that out of the way, let's get drunk!
It is time to fill that stupid head of yours full of some straight up, unpasteurized, cold filtered goodness. So pull up a barstool because this post is about the most amazing thing that man has ever created... No I'm not talking about internet porn you lonely bastard (seriously bro, find a girl and make her a duck already). I'm talking about the nectar of the Gods, BEER!
Anyone who knows anything knows that beer is made by extracting the tit juice of a Greek goddess and combining it with 3 parts magic and one part awesome to create liquid heaven. It's been around for about six thousand years, and has been manly as fuck ever since then. It's actually probably the reason that you are alive and reading this blog today.
A lot of you women out there are going to get offended right about now because I'm going to go ahead and tell you that what you drink is not beer. If you consider Coors Light, Bud Light Lime or any "beer" with Light after the name to be a beer, you are sorely mistaken. "But TyPeets, light beers have way less calories." Shut up, you are drinking beer, not a delicious smoothie made up of mandarin oranges and strawberries with some ginseng for energy and a little yogurt for substance. You're clearly not watching your weight if you are out at the bar. Real weight management requires dedication and literally not drinking even that watery shit you call light beer (I'm a little bitter on this subject because I'm currently cutting and, thus, not drinking beer). Whether you have one real beer or 6 Coors Light, you're not going to come out of this one better off by going light. If you think you are drinking a beer when you consume a Corona, you are sorely mistaken (Fact: Corona is made by pissing in a bottle that once contained beer and sticking a lime in it).
Real beer should be drank slowly and enjoyed in every delicious drop. Real beer should not taste like lime or apple or berries. It should taste like fucking beer.
There's a million different types of beer out there but I have a feeling y'all need a crash course. Lucky for you I'm sober and therefore not lazy today.
Top Fermented Beers - These include your Brown Ale, Mild Ale, Pale ale, Stout, and Wheat beers
These guys are my personal favourites. They are fermented at high temperatures and this produces a lot of esters (little chemistry for you, esters make stuff smell/taste like other stuff) and so their flavour can be anywhere from fruity (like tasting of fruit, not like how your dad says you are acting when a girl dumps you and you try to talk to him about it) to almost grass-like. Examples of these include Guiness, Rickard's White, Alexander Kieth's - the dark "thick" beers
Bottom Fermented Beers - Lager, Pilsner
BFB's are fermented at lower temperatures. These are the beers that your dad probably drinks. As a matter of fact, these beers make up a large majority of all of the beer out there. These ones don't necessarily taste as good as their darker brethren, but what they lack in taste, they make up for in smoothness and, by default, the ability to slam back a ton of them. Molson Canadian, Labatt Blue, Carlsberg, etc.
Those are the only two that I will touch on because, chances are, they are the only ones you'll ever come across with any sort of regularity. They make up 99% of the beer world and that's good enough to get me drunk and then some.
I have tried dozens, if not hundreds of different types of beers. Some just having a few casual beers and some going on 2 month benders using whatever beer I can get my hands on (DMak, you know what I'm driving at). However, I've compiled a list of 10 must drink beers - I suggest drinking all of these in one night because not only does beer give you the ability to think you are more amazing than you are, but it'll get you drunk. And there's nothing more manly than getting drunk.
#10 - Molson M - 4.9% alcohol by volume
This is a brand spankin new beer on the market and the only Molson beer that I can even stand. It is the world's first microcarbonated. I really don't know what the fuck that means but the bubbles in the beer are really tiny and it makes the beer go down very smooth. I drank 32 of them before I realized that I wasn't drinking water. Normally it would lose points for this, but at 4.9% it has the getyoudrunkability of a real beer.
Style: Lager
Tastes like: Slightly hopsy but not overpowering. Some caramel.
The Bad: Molson hasn't gotten rid of their shitty aftertaste
Recommended for: Dads whose stomach isn't what it used to be
#9 - Steamwhistle - 5% alcohol by volume
This one I've been drinking for awhile. It reminds me of being 14 and stealing a bunch of Colt 45. It has that malty taste and really sits nice if you're going to be having more than a couple.
Style: Pilsner
Tastes like: Sweet, bitter, smooth
The Bad: It's a pilsner, if you've ever had the misfortune of farting after getting drunk off pilsner, you know what it's like to peel the paint off of a footlocker.
Recommended for: The people who aren't very adventurous. Stick to the same type of beer but feel like slowly moving out. Caution, this is a gateway beer. One minute, you're dabbling in a new pilsner. The next, you're sucking dick in a back alley just so you can get your next fix of that sweet, sweet God Nectar.
#8 - Miller Genuine Draft or MGD (Purchased in Canada, not the states) - 4.7% alcohol by volume
This will for sure be the last American beer on here. Generally American beer tastes as though you poured your beer into a bucket of water and then dumped the bucket into a pool. If you buy your MGD in Canada though, you are in for a treat. This beer is brewed cold. This is weird because most beers, even bottom or "cold" fermented beers are still done around 15 degrees. The cold filtering removes the bitterness from the beer and leaves a very sweet, very smooth beer.
Style: Lager
Tastes Like: Barley. Sweet, smooth and dry. No aftertaste.
The Bad: This beer is sweet. If you don't like headaches, drink lots of water when you drink this one
Recommended for: The nights where 1 or 2 beers isn't going to be enough
#7 - Innis & Gunn - 6.6% alcohol by volume
This one is brewed in Scotland. Those dudes know their shit when it comes to drinking. I mentioned before how real men shoot whiskey, Innis & Gunn can be drunken on its own and still be manly. It is aged in oak barrels and tastes a lot like whiskey when you drink it. At 6.6% this fucker will make you rambunctious just like whiskey too.
Style: These dudes invented their own style - Oak Aged
Tastes Like: Vanilla, caramel, acorn (acorn?), pear - Seriously, this beer is fucked
The Bad: Shit is strong as hell
Recommended for: The nights you want to get hella drunk under the guise of drinking beer
#6 Grasshopper - 5% alcohol by volume
This one is probably the most mellow tasting beer on this list. It is sweet, bitter, citrus and amazing. A Canadian wheat beer out of Alberta, it goes good absolutely any time of the day but especially for breakfast.
Style: Wheat Beer
Tastes Like: Smooth, hopsy, lemon
The Bad: Get it in draught. When you buy it in a bottle, the wheat settles to the bottom and tastes like shit.
Recommended for: Everyone, even kids. Especially kids. It tastes like candy.
#5 Guinness - 5% abv (in North America)
Ah Guinness. Everyone knows what it is, what it looks like and probably that your grandpa likes it. Here is a free tip for you, your grandpa is manly, and he knows his beer. Guinness is delicious and thick. It is what everyone thinks of when they think European Beer. Surprisingly though, not many people under the age of 40 have ever tasted Guinness. Next time you are at the bar, treat yourself to this magical beer. If you are a fan of real beer, you will love it.
Style: Stout
Tastes Like: Bitter as all hell. You cannot chug this beer.
The Bad: You can't get drunk off of it because you will get full much, much before this.
Recommended for: The days where you didn't have time for any meals.
#4 Mill Street Original Organic - 4.2% abv
This guy is one of the weakest of the bunch. I'm including it for you soyfuckers out there who only wear hemp and do things that are earth friendly. This beer is for you. And anyone else who loves good beer. Seriously, as much as I am an advocate for making as big of a carbon footprint as I can, this beer is delicious.
Style: Pilsner
Tastes Like: MGD
The Bad: You are saving the environment drinking this = Unmanly
Recommended for: Soyfuckers
#3 - Delirium Tremens - 8.5% abv
This beer was once named best beer in the world... and for a damned good reason. It tastes amazing and definitely unlike any beer I have ever tried. It is extremely hopsy and bitter but somehow sweet and light. It scores extreme man points because it has a pink elephant on the bottle and the name Delirium Tremens actually comes from one of the most severe symptoms of alcohol withdrawal which involves the sufferer shaking like a madman. You'll recognize this one as the one with the pink elephant on the bottle.
Style: Pale Ale
Tastes Like : Very hopsy. Cotton Candy
The Bad: Nothing bad to say about this one
Recommended for: Getting wasted... Shit in the litterbox wasted
#2 - Steigl Radler - 2.5% abv
This one is by far the weakest and you can almost call it juice. Now, it goes against my real beer motto of "it should taste like beer" but it was introduced to me by a manly-ass dude by the name of DMak. This one is delicious and actually has kind of an interesting back-story. In the Alps, it's really easy to get 2 things accomplished very fast. 1) Dying of dehydration because you are climbing a mountain. 2) Getting drunk as fuck on account of the lack of oxygen that high up. So the clever bastards at Steigl decided to get two birds stoned at once and create a beer that could hydrate mountain climbers and get them drunk enough to spend all of their money and impregnate the daughters of Hinrick Steigl so that he could have grandkids to get drunk.
Style: Lager
Tastes like: Grapefruit, raspberry, or lemon - depends which flavour you get
The Bad: Weak as fuck at sea level
Recommended for: Picking up chicks with your knowledge of beers they will like
#1 La Trappe by Koningshoeven - 7.5% abv
This beer is the grand daddy. A Dutch masterpiece, much like myself. It is a Trappist Beer. What is a Trappist Beer? I'm glad you asked:
A Trappist beer is somewhat different to an abbey beer. Out of all the beers in the world, only seven of them can use the name ‘Trappist’: Achel, Chimay, Westmalle, Orval, Rochefort, Westvleteren and La Trappe.
A Trappist beer is only given this name if it satisfies a number of strict criteria:
1. The beer is brewed within the walls of a Trappist abbey, by the monks themselves or under their supervision. A Trappist beer is only given this name if it satisfies a number of strict criteria:
2. The brewery must be controlled by the monastery and have a business culture compatible with the monastic project.
3. The purpose of the brewery is not to make a profit. The income takes care of the livelihood of the monks and the upkeep of the abbey site. What is left over is used for charitable purposes, social work and people in need.
The Trappist breweries produce beers of an impeccable quality that is permanently controlled. Thus a La Trappe Trappist contains 100% natural ingredients.
Yeah, it's that epic. My absolute favourite beer by a long shot.
Style: Wheat Beer
Tastes like: Very hopsy. Caramel
The Bad: There is absolutely nothing bad to say about this beer. It is perfection.
Recommended for: Anyone who appreciates good beer
Gentlemen that is all she wrote for this evening. Lots of beers to go out and try so get on it. Feel free to recommend some if you want and I'll give them a look.
Just remember something for me. Alcohol is not an excuse to act like a complete douche. Beer is a lovely thing and if it is enjoyed properly, can be a great way to have some fun. For those of you who decide to have a few drinks and drive home. Fuck you. I'm serious, you may think you are alright, but if I lose another friend to a drunk driver, I will personally find you and make sure that my foot ends up squarely in your anus.
On a lighter note, I'm not done posting yet. I haven't taught you ladies how to shave, blow things up, or tune-up an engine yet. More posts soon.
Cheers,
TyPeets
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