Meat - Enough Said

Gentlemen,

The last post was well received so we'll give this cooking thing a try again. This time though, instead of getting you laid like I did last time (which worked for at least a couple people), I will be teaching you wannabe men out there to do what men are meant to do, cook meat. I am going to go over only things that can be done on the barbecue (except the last one), which is everything. You can even cook your vegetables on the barbecue, which, if you have to cook vegetables, i recommend because it makes the vegetables sort of taste like meat. Just remember, nobody oooo's and awe's over grilled eggplant, basted in chipotle barbecue sauce... Give the people what they want; MEAT (Note: Semicolons, even if misused are manly).

Now, barbecuing is a science. It requires patience, commitment and, most importantly, liquor. I am going to teach you guys how to make alcohol your friend. I'm not talking about staying up late with a bottle of wine and crying about your crappy life. Wine isn't manly, and crying is most certainly not. If your life is that bad, shoot some whiskey and fight someone. I'm talking about using alcohol to benefit your cooking. Using your friends to benefit you is manly. Being there to help your friends is not.

You may think that you know how to barbecue, and a few of you may have some serious skills, but let me tell you, that hockey puck that you served me is not a steak. So it would make sense that the first thing I teach you how to do is cook the perfect steak. That's not going to happen. Being manly is about doing what you want and disregarding the consequences. Not following a perfect segue. (Note: that was a perfect opportunity to use a semicolon. Re-read the second last sentence)

Whole Roasted Beer Can Chicken


This is a personal favourite of mine. It's simple, delicious chicken that uses science to moisten the chicken from the inside out. Fucking smart.


What you need:


A Chicken
1 Can and 6 Bottles of beer - I recommend using lager or pilsner for the can because you want it to evaporate
2 Tbsp - Olive Oil
2 Tbsp - Salt
2 Tsp - Ground Black Pepper


Rub:

1 Tsp each - Ground Garlic, Onion Powder, Paprika, Salt

1/2 Tsp each - Ground Coriander, Cumin, Black Pepper, Rosemary
1/4 Tsp - Cayenne Pepper


First thing you want to do is combine the rub ingredients in a bowl. Next you want to rinse the chicken inside and our and dry with paper towels. Rub the chicken with the oil, then with the salt and pepper, and then with the rub. This is known internationally as the triple rub-down. Next, open the can of beer and discard half of it down your throat (DO NOT DUMP THE BEER OUT! This is alcohol abuse and I will not stand for it). This next step is crucial as you do not want to spill your beer. Grab each leg of the chicken and place it over the can. The cavity of the chicken (its ass) should fit snugly, but nicely over the can.


Next you want to bring your grill to medium-high heat. You are going to take the chicken on a can and place it in the center of one of the grills, balancing the bird on its two legs and the can. It should, at this point, closely resemble what you do every Saturday. Turn the burner on which your bird is sitting off - you don't want to burn that sonofabitch. Keep the other burner on medium-high for about an hour and fifteen minutes (an hour and a quarter for my redneck friends out there). While it is cooking, you want to keep the lid of the barbecue closed and drink the 6 bottles of beer. After this time you want to check the internal temperature. The chicken is done when the breast temperature is 165F and the thigh juice runs clear when stabbed.


Remove the chicken from the heat and let it sit for 10 minutes. At this point you have 2 choices. You can discard the scalding hot beer or you can be ultramanly and drink that bacteria-ridden, throat destroying soup of death.


Jack Daniels Barbecue Sauce

Ask anyone who knows anything about barbecue sauce what their favourite sauce is. I can guarantee that they will say that it is whiskey sauce. I'm going to teach you to make a Jack Daniels Sauce that not only tastes fucking delicious, but will make you want to fight anyone who happens to look at you wrong.

What you need:


A 40 of Jack Daniels
1/2 Onion Chopped Finely
4 Cloves of Garlic Chopped Finely
2 Cups - Ketchup
1/3 Cup - Vinegar
3 Tbsp - Worchestershire Sauce

1/2 Cup - Brown Sugar

3/4 Cup - Molasses
1/2 Tsp - Pepper
1/2 Tsp - Salt
1/4 Cup - Tomato Paste
1 Tsp - Liquid Smoke
1/2 Tsp - Tobasco Sauce (use a full teaspoon if you're using Frank's Redhot)

Mix the onion, garlic and 3/4 Cup of JD in a saucepan. Heat on med-high until the onion is translucent. Add the remaining ingredients and bring it to a boil. Simmer that shit until it's nice and thick. Go shot for shot with your best friend using the rest of the whiskey. Since your best friend is your mom, you'll likely lose this drinking contest so I'm going to add a step. Cry inconsolably while your mom tells you that it's okay, you're still her special little guy. Pussy.

The Perfect Steak


There are 2 keys to making the perfect steak. The first one is the marinade. Really good steaks don't really need one, but it still makes even the best steaks taste even better. Second key is not to cook the everloving shit out of it. Not only does it cause black cancer death to ruin an otherwise delicious slab of meat. But it makes the steak tough and stringy and really hard to eat.


Marinade:


The perfect steak needs the perfect marinade. This marinade works well and will make your steak angry; and an angry steak is a delicious steak.


First you want to pour half a beer into a plastic bag. Next you're going to add to that beer, 2 or 3 cloves of finely chopped garlic, a pinch of cayenne, 2 pinches of onion powder and a nice big sqeeze of your favourite barbecue sauce (don't use the Jack Daniels one). Mix this shit around and it should look like a bag of puke with a slab of steak in the middle. Marinade for 12 hours or so. The morning that you are going to cook that bitch, you want to put 2 shots of Jack in there. About a half hour before cooking, you're going to toss in about a tablespoon of lime juice. I'll stress that you want to do this no more than a half hour before cooking. If you're not sure why, soak your penis in lime juice for over a half hour and watch as it turns to mush and falls off. To not get super sciencey, the acid in the lime juice activates enzymes in the meat which destroy the shit out of it. You're adding it to take away some of the toughness, not turn it into steak soup.

To cook it you want to turn your bbq on high and get that bitch nice and hot. Throw the steak on and you should hear the best sound ever. Leave it for about 2 minutes and then turn it on the other side. Again, best sound ever. Now you want to turn the heat down a bit and cook it until it's at your desired doneness. Don't cut it open because that makes searing the fats inside of it completely redundant. Check it by poking it. If it feels like squeezing your thumb and index finger together (making an "ok" sign), it's rare. if it feels like your thumb and middle finger together (the reverse shocker), it's medium. If it feels like your pinky finger and thumb together, it's well done. If you are cooking for people, you want to figure out these feelings beforehand so you don't look like a retard pressing your fingers and then touching everyone's steak with your fecal-bacteria ridden hands.

The Barnyard - A.K.A. The Gratuitous Act of Violence

This bitch is the Batman of meals. It makes Wendy's Baconator look like a pussy. It is quite literally the epitome of manliness. It makes even the legendary Turducken look civilized.


As a warning, this bitch feeds A LOT of people. I can be certain that you could feed at least 300 people with this thing. I know that you don't know 300 people so if you are going to attempt this, let me know and I'll bring the people.


What you need:


Bacon (lots)
A quail
A cornish hen
A chicken
A duck
A turkey
A pig
A cow (yep, a whole goddamned cow)

Corn Bread Dressing

Sausage glue
Large Needle and Cotton Thread
A big ass steel bar
A not so big steel bar
2 Big ass "A" arms
A Motor capable of spinning a whole fucking cow
A nice big charcoal fire


Alright, so now I assume you know what I'm driving at. I'm going to stuff all these bitches inside of one another and cook the fuck out of them.

Rinse the turkey and remove the neck and giblets. Place the turkey boobs down and cut through the skin down the spine. Usind the tip of a knife, separate the meat from the ribs. Toward the neck, you want to cut through the meat and expose the shoulder blade. Cut the meat away from the bone and sever the bone at the joint to remove the blade. Bust the wings at the second and third joints but keep them attached. Contunue seperating the meat from the bones heading down toward the thigh. Remove the thighbone from the carcass but keep the leg attached. Repeat the same thing down the other side of the bird and remove the skeleton.

Now you have a flat, boneless turkey with the skin intact. Put that bitch in the fridge and cover it with plastic wrap to stop it from drying.


Repeat this process on the duck, the chicken, the hen and the quail, but this time remove the bones from the wings and drumsticks. 


Sausage glue - Take 3 lbs of sausage and 2 eggs and process them in a food processor until they make a paste.


Spread the turkey out and spread the sausage glue all over the inside. Put the duck on top, skin down, spread sausage glue. Repeat the bird/glue procedure until you have a giant pile of meat, and you are out of birds to cook.

Next you are going to fold the sides of the turkey together and sew down the back of the turkey. Wrap the whole thing about 4 times with cotton thread and tie the legs together. Put the giant ball of dead birds, boobs up, on a rack and put the rack on a baking sheet. Roast at 225F for about 9 hours or until the center of the bird is 165F.

Now you're going to want to wrap that son of a bitch in bacon and shove it inside of the pig. You'll likely have to debone the pig first just like you did with the turkey. Sew it shut.

You'll have to stab the pig all the way through, lengthwise with the not so big steel bar. Make yourself a wicked fire using about 140lbs of charcoal as a bed. You want this fire to be about 350F. To tell how hot it is, hold your hand at cooking level. You should be able to leave it there for 8-10 seconds but no more than 12. You'll want to put a drip pan filled with salt, pepper, garlic, orange juice, butter and some herbs, underneath and baste the pig every half hour or so, using the drippings as well. The drip pan will also stop it from lighting on fire. Which looks awesome but ruins the pig. The pig is done when it's about 170F inside the thickest part.

Next you'll want to remove the spit and put the whole thing inside of the cow. You can use the same cow that you should have hooked up in your walk in freezer that you've been punching. Put the big ass bar all the way through and set it on the A arms. Hook the motor up and let it spin. for this guy you'll need the same temperature which means that you'll also need about 1500 pounds of charcoal for the bed. Cook it just like you did the pig, but this time you don't really need to pay too much attention to the internal temperature as it will taste better if it's a little pink.

Well, I don't really have any closing remarks as I'm too busy drooling. Talk to you guys soon.

Cheers,

TyPeets