Now a lot of you out there think that cooking is for women... Men are meant to enjoy a delicious meal prepared by a woman. How wrong you are. There are a few things wrong with this theory of yours.
1) Women cook with vegetables. Vegetables are not manly. Vegetables are what meat eats... I'm not suggesting only eating meat because, though delicious, it'll fucking kill you. I'm simply saying that vegetables were designed to go on top of meat. A popular excuse for those vegetarians out there is that "humans are not meant to eat meat". This is false. If humans weren't meant to eat meat, meat wouldn't be so delicious.
2) Women do not mix meats. When was the last time you saw a woman wrap a chicken with a duck wrapped in a turkey, stuffed inside of a bacon wrapped pig. That's right, you haven't.
3) Women expect you to do the dishes. This is probably the most important one. If you do the cooking, your lady has to do the dishes... It's not the law yet but I'm lobbying pretty hard.
Let me set a stage for you guys who don't know how to showcase your miraculous cooking talent buried deep in your core. How to harness the power of epic meals for good and not evil (evil in this case is cooking for your mom). You have started hanging out with this girl and things are rolling smoothly but she seems too good for you. This is not a bad thing. You just need to turn the tables. Score some serious man-points with this little lady (she better be of age bro, cause that's not cool). The preparation for this meal must be done in advance. You have to find an excuse to cook for her because it's actually a fact that 100% of girls think that you are trying to rape them.
The set up should be something along these lines. Pick a sport that you are good at. It can be any sport so long as you are good enough at said sport to control the game. For the majority of men reading this blog, I'm going to assume that you aren't too skilled when it comes to sports that involve moving a whole lot so we'll stick with something a little more up to your speed. Make a bet with her over a game of lawn darts (Caution: This game involves sharp, weighted projectiles. It's the most manly game on the planet aside from "catch the bullet"). The bet... If you (the man) win, she has to take you to a guy movie (Titanic is a guys movie... you may think that it is not but it so is. It has boobs in it which instantly gives it points. It's about a big fucking boat that gets split in half by a big chunk of ice. The single most awesome thing to come out of that movie though... When the boat goes ass-up and the guy flys off of it and hits the propeller, spinning like Eddy Gordo from Tekken) and if she (the woman) wins, you (the man) will make her dinner, and take you skating or something like that (I don't know which city you could skate and play lawn darts in the same week... Shut up, I'm dropping knowlege here). Now gentlemen, this step is crucial... You have to intentionally lose. I'm not talking shit the bed and pull a Jay Cutler. Just throw the game so that she wins, but just barely. This is the ONLY time that it is okay to lose to a girl in a sport. If it is sewing or vacuuming, you'll lose no matter what. If you tried your hardest and still lost, you can't read any more.
Now that you have "lost" (wink), you have to cook her dinner. She's not going to want to come over and eat Kraft Dinner with Bacon Bits in it so you have to learn to cook son. She comes over for this dinner that you have promised her, not knowing what to expect. You have been reading this blog and so you are a manly son of a bitch and she assumes that whatever you are going to cook is going to be bad. But for some reason she likes your sorry ass and she's over anyway. That is when you put her on your couch and give her the remote (this gives the illusion that you really care about her... and lets you do your thing in the kitchen in peace).
An hour later you come out and place in front of her a motherfucking braised Duck... What the fuck is up? Her girl boner that's what... You've just played the game and won my friend.
I know what you are thinking, "TyPeets, you are wise beyond your years... But I don't know any recipes for anything". God you're lucky I'm here...
Triple Meat Burgers
These tasty treats are good, but better enjoyed among men or the women out there who can truly hang. Here's what you need.
Bacon - 8 Strips
Honey Garlic Sausage - 1 Pound - Casing removed
Hamburger - 1 Pound
2 Eggs
1 Small White Onion Finely Chopped
Oregano - 1 Tbsp
Basil - 1 Tbsp
Garlic - 3 Cloves Finely Chopped
Ground Cayenne Pepper - 1/2 Tsp
Nutmeg - 1 Tbsp
Ground Black Pepper 1 Tsp
Use a food processor to grind the bacon into a ball of delicious bacon paste. Toss everything in a bowl and mix it up by hand. It should look like one pink ball of meat with white specks of onion and garlic. Start up the barbecue on medium-high. While the barbecue is heating up you are going to take your ball of meat, divide it into about 6 small balls (haha, small balls) and flatten each one into a burger. Toss them on the barbecue for a few minutes each side until they aren't pink in the middle anymore. Top with whatever burger fixins you eat, or with a chicken breast if you're feeling ultra manly. NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Braised Duck (people don't eat these deliciously cute birds nearly enough)
A Duck (each 4 to 5 lb)
3/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
6 tbsp Brandy (or Jack Daniels)
2 tsp chopped fresh thyme or 1/2 tsp dried
1/4 tsp ground allspice
Half onion, sliced
1/2 cup minced shallots
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup dry red wine (or Jack Daniels)
4 sprigs fresh thyme
1 bay leaf
1 tbsp cornstarch
2 tbsp red currant jelly (or Jack Daniels)
- Duck Stock:
- 2 onions, quartered
- 2 carrots, chopped
- 3 stalks celery, chopped
- 4 sprigs fresh parsley
- 4 sprigs fresh thyme or 1/2tsp dried
- 3 slices ginger root
- 2 cloves garlic
- 1 bay leaf
- 4 whole cloves
- 1 tsp black peppercorns
- 1/4 tsp salt
Preparation - This one takes a while, if you replace each ingredient with a shot of Jack Daniels, I promise that your date will go just as well.
With paper towels, give the duck a rub down. Place neck, gizzards and hearts in roasting pan.
Cut its legs off where thigh joint meets backbone; separate drumsticks from thighs and set aside. Cut off wings; remove the tips of the wings (the part that looks gross and inedible).
Trim tops of duck boobs off wishbones; sliding knife under each boob along either side of breastbone, remove breasts and set aside.
Trim off fat and fatty skin from carcass and set aside; cut off and discard tailbone. Chop the carcass in half and place in roasting pan. If you feel like Dexter, you're probably doing this right.
Duck Stock: Add onions and carrots to roasting pan; roast in 450F/230C oven until duck and vegetables are browned, about 45 minutes. With slotted spoon, transfer solids to stockpot; add celery, parsley, thyme, ginger, garlic, bay leaf, cloves, peppercorns, salt and 6 cups/1.5 L water. Pour off and discard fat from roasting pan.
Place pan over medium heat and add 2 cups/500 mL water; bring to boil, scraping up brown bits from bottom of pan. As much as I always tell you to stay away from brown bits, these ones are delicious. Pour into stockpot; bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, for 2 hours. Let cool; strain, discarding solids. Skim off and discard fat.
Trim off and reserve fatty edges of skin from thigh and breast pieces. Place drumstick, thigh and wing pieces in bowl and sprinkle with 3/4 tsp of the salt, 1/4 tsp of the pepper and 2 tbsp of the brandy (or Jack Daniels), turning to coat; place in airtight container or plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or for up to 2 days. The longer you keep these bad boys in the fridge, the more they'll get you (and more importantly your date) drunk.
Cut diagonal slashes through breast skin (not through meat); transfer to bowl. Sprinkle with thyme, allspice, remaining pepper, and 2 tbsp of the brandy (or Jack Daniels), turning to coat; place in airtight container or plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or for up to 2 days. Again, lean more toward the 2 days for maximum drunken bad decisions.
Evenly slice trimmed skin pieces; place in heavy-bottomed saucepan with fat trimmings, onion and 1/2 cup /125 mL water and bring to boil. Reduce heat to low and cook until skin and onion are browned and crispy; through sieve, drain fat into heatproof bowl, reserving skin, cracklings (fried skin) and onion.
In skillet, heat 2 tbsp of the fat (reserve remainder for other uses, like mixing with Jack Daniels for what I like to call Jack the Duck and his crime-fighting partner TyPeets the Drunk) over medium heat; brown drumstick, thigh and wing pieces all over, then transfer to Dutch oven. Drain off and discard fat from skillet, leaving just enough to coat bottom; add shallots and garlic and fry, stirring, until softened, about 3 minutes. Add wine and, stirring, bring to boil; pour into Dutch oven (hahaha, Dutch Oven).
Place Dutch oven (haha, Dutch Oven) over medium-high heat; when liquid has reduced by half, add 2 cups/500 mL Duck Stock (you made this earlier, remember?), thyme sprigs, bay leaf and remaining salt. Bring to boil; transfer to 350F/180C oven. Braise (don't be afraid of this, braise literally means cook in liquid, I think it might be a french word... It probably is french. They always make things way harder than they need to be), uncovered, until duck pieces are tender, 60 to 90 minutes. Transfer duck pieces to heatproof platter; keep warm.
Increase oven temperature to 425F/220C.
Strain braising liquid into heatproof measuring cup; skim off and discard fat. Pour braising liquid into saucepan and cook until reduced to 1-1/2 cups/375 mL, then remove from heat (if pan juices are less than 1-1/2 cups/375 mL, simply add enough stock to make 1-1/2 cups/375 mL). Set aside.
In ovenproof skillet over medium heat, place breasts skin side down; when nicely browned, flip over, then transfer skillet to 425F/220C oven. Roast until centre is pink, about 10 minutes. Transfer to plate; let stand for 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, in saucepan, bring braising liquid (another one of those french terms for the shit you just cooked your duck in) to boil. Stir cornstarch with remaining brandy (or Jack Daniels); stir into braising liquid. Boil over medium heat for 1 minute; stir in jelly (I was joking about using Jack Daniels instead of jelly, use the jelly) until dissolved.
Thinly slice breasts; arrange on serving platter and surround with braised pieces. Spoon some sauce over top and sprinkle with reserved cracklings (if using) and onion. Serve remaining sauce on side or with Jack Daniels for a little treat.
For dessert, you should be having sex. Depending on the amount of Jack Daniels you used, this might not be physically possible so you should probably buy some ice cream or cake or something.
That's all for now guys, hopefully these recipes come in handy and I'll post some more soon.
Cheers,
TyPeets
Cut its legs off where thigh joint meets backbone; separate drumsticks from thighs and set aside. Cut off wings; remove the tips of the wings (the part that looks gross and inedible).
Trim tops of duck boobs off wishbones; sliding knife under each boob along either side of breastbone, remove breasts and set aside.
Trim off fat and fatty skin from carcass and set aside; cut off and discard tailbone. Chop the carcass in half and place in roasting pan. If you feel like Dexter, you're probably doing this right.
Duck Stock: Add onions and carrots to roasting pan; roast in 450F/230C oven until duck and vegetables are browned, about 45 minutes. With slotted spoon, transfer solids to stockpot; add celery, parsley, thyme, ginger, garlic, bay leaf, cloves, peppercorns, salt and 6 cups/1.5 L water. Pour off and discard fat from roasting pan.
Place pan over medium heat and add 2 cups/500 mL water; bring to boil, scraping up brown bits from bottom of pan. As much as I always tell you to stay away from brown bits, these ones are delicious. Pour into stockpot; bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, for 2 hours. Let cool; strain, discarding solids. Skim off and discard fat.
Trim off and reserve fatty edges of skin from thigh and breast pieces. Place drumstick, thigh and wing pieces in bowl and sprinkle with 3/4 tsp of the salt, 1/4 tsp of the pepper and 2 tbsp of the brandy (or Jack Daniels), turning to coat; place in airtight container or plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or for up to 2 days. The longer you keep these bad boys in the fridge, the more they'll get you (and more importantly your date) drunk.
Cut diagonal slashes through breast skin (not through meat); transfer to bowl. Sprinkle with thyme, allspice, remaining pepper, and 2 tbsp of the brandy (or Jack Daniels), turning to coat; place in airtight container or plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or for up to 2 days. Again, lean more toward the 2 days for maximum drunken bad decisions.
Evenly slice trimmed skin pieces; place in heavy-bottomed saucepan with fat trimmings, onion and 1/2 cup /125 mL water and bring to boil. Reduce heat to low and cook until skin and onion are browned and crispy; through sieve, drain fat into heatproof bowl, reserving skin, cracklings (fried skin) and onion.
In skillet, heat 2 tbsp of the fat (reserve remainder for other uses, like mixing with Jack Daniels for what I like to call Jack the Duck and his crime-fighting partner TyPeets the Drunk) over medium heat; brown drumstick, thigh and wing pieces all over, then transfer to Dutch oven. Drain off and discard fat from skillet, leaving just enough to coat bottom; add shallots and garlic and fry, stirring, until softened, about 3 minutes. Add wine and, stirring, bring to boil; pour into Dutch oven (hahaha, Dutch Oven).
Place Dutch oven (haha, Dutch Oven) over medium-high heat; when liquid has reduced by half, add 2 cups/500 mL Duck Stock (you made this earlier, remember?), thyme sprigs, bay leaf and remaining salt. Bring to boil; transfer to 350F/180C oven. Braise (don't be afraid of this, braise literally means cook in liquid, I think it might be a french word... It probably is french. They always make things way harder than they need to be), uncovered, until duck pieces are tender, 60 to 90 minutes. Transfer duck pieces to heatproof platter; keep warm.
Increase oven temperature to 425F/220C.
Strain braising liquid into heatproof measuring cup; skim off and discard fat. Pour braising liquid into saucepan and cook until reduced to 1-1/2 cups/375 mL, then remove from heat (if pan juices are less than 1-1/2 cups/375 mL, simply add enough stock to make 1-1/2 cups/375 mL). Set aside.
In ovenproof skillet over medium heat, place breasts skin side down; when nicely browned, flip over, then transfer skillet to 425F/220C oven. Roast until centre is pink, about 10 minutes. Transfer to plate; let stand for 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, in saucepan, bring braising liquid (another one of those french terms for the shit you just cooked your duck in) to boil. Stir cornstarch with remaining brandy (or Jack Daniels); stir into braising liquid. Boil over medium heat for 1 minute; stir in jelly (I was joking about using Jack Daniels instead of jelly, use the jelly) until dissolved.
Thinly slice breasts; arrange on serving platter and surround with braised pieces. Spoon some sauce over top and sprinkle with reserved cracklings (if using) and onion. Serve remaining sauce on side or with Jack Daniels for a little treat.
For dessert, you should be having sex. Depending on the amount of Jack Daniels you used, this might not be physically possible so you should probably buy some ice cream or cake or something.
That's all for now guys, hopefully these recipes come in handy and I'll post some more soon.
Cheers,
TyPeets
Freaking fantastic...Motherfuckin sports homie! You dun changed the game playa.
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