Shaving 101 - The Guide to Shaving Like your Grandpa

Gentlemen,

It's good to be back. It's been a little while and I'm sure a lot of you have reverted back to your less-than-manly ways. How have you been? Are you ready for a perfect storm of knowledge to be dropped upon your Andrea Gail of a brain? Are you prepared for my Billy Zane-ish wisdom to be bestowed upon your Phantom-like cranium? For my Bushwhacker Butch and Bushwhacker Luke to defeat your Earthquake and Typhoon with the assistance of Andre The Giant and the Legion of Doom? (Alright I'll admit that you probably didn't get any of those. Watch The Perfect Storm, The Phantom, or any other movie starring Billy "B-list" Zane, and Summer Slam '91 in that order) Well then sit back, pour yourself a beer and open your mind hole.

Shaving goes back quite a ways, no one knows exactly how long men have been shaving for but some speculate that it has been since at least 1971 (citation needed). The majority of you use the three bladed Mach 3 from Gillette or the 5 bladed wonder known as the Fusion. Personally, up until a couple of months ago used the Fusion Pro-Glide myself and found it "meh". It didn't hurt that bad to use and I only got a little bit of razor burn so it was, in my books, alright by me. Many of you are in this same boat, mediocre shaving products presenting mediocre results. Take my hand and follow me into the magical world of the straight razor (don't actually take my hand dude, that's kind of weird).

Over the last few years most shaving companies have been adding blades to their razors in an attempt to "reduce tugging and pulling". Gillette came out with the Mach 3, Schick's rebuttal was the Quatro, Gillette gave Schick the finger and said, "stick your four blades up your ass, here's six" and, thus the Fusion was born (as a side note, Gillette also seems to not know the meaning of "Fusion". What did you stick together Gillette? That's what I thought). If you look at the little diagram showing the razor precisely trimming the hair in three spots, this way of thinking is great. However, if you've ever grown your beard out a little and then tried shaving it off with one of these multi-bladed wonders you'll notice something... IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY. That is because our hair does not stick straight out like little face trees and the blades aren't staggered in any way. Instead what you get is a razor that first, cuts the hair right at the bottom, then gets jammed up and proceeds to rip out every hair on your face like you are a prisoner at Guantanamo bay who's not talking.

You'd think that after this horrifying experience the people who make razors, I believe they are called Raisinets (citation needed), would think, "we should probably do something about horribly disfiguring people with our products." Well that they did. Someone over there at the California Raisin factory (where razors are made) decided, "let's make it vibrate," probably after switching from a regular dildo to a vibrating one and noticing a significant difference. This would be a great idea if razors were sex toys (Note: DO NOT USE YOUR RAZOR AS A SEX TOY - you will bleed... lots). All that adding a vibration function to the razor does is make the razor harder to hold onto and, inversely, much, much easier to slit your own throat with.

Gentlemen, if you want a great shave without the razor burn while simultaneously feeling like a complete and utter badass (see Billy Zane), we have to go back to a simpler time. A time where most men were manly and the ones who weren't were shot (Note: I am not saying non-manly men should be shot. Then no one would read my blog). You have to switch from 183 blades on your razor to just one.

That's right, I shave using a straight razor. I'll readily admit that the first time I used it I cut myself a few times but the second time I used it, and every time after, I have not cut myself and have had an amazing shave because of it.

Using a straight razor turns shaving into a bit of a chore, so make sure you give yourself more than 5 minutes before shaving. Those of you who dry shave (what the fuck is wrong with you?) will have to wait until after your shower to shave. Those of you who shave in the shower, you can still do so but you have to remember something, in the event that you slit your throat, they will find your body naked, wet, and shrivelled like a raisin (no relation to the people who make razors). (Special Note: DO NOT shave your pubic hairs using a straight razor. The reason for this is twofold 1) If you use your straight razor on both your face and your balls, you secretly desire balls on your face. 2) You WILL sever your penis)

The Art of Shaving

What you need:

Straight Razor (I use a Dovo)
Badger or Boar Hair Brush
Short, Fat Mug or Bowl
Shaving Cream (real stuff, not shave gel or pre foaming stuff. It should come in a toothpaste tube or a jar)
Face Wash (something with pumice in it)

Step 1 - Pre Shave

The first thing you want to do is fill your shaving mug with very hot water. Place your razor blade first and your brush, bristles down, in the mug. Brushes vary depending on where they come from. Boar brushes are very hard and don't hold water well whereas badger brushes hold water well and are very soft. This is going to sound extremely unmanly and also a little gay, but you want to make sure that when you shower prior to shaving, you us an exfoliant to wash your face. This will serve a few purposes but mainly it will reduce any facial imperfections you have (I'm talking about pimples and blackheads and stuff, not the fact that you're ugly. Face wash can't help with that) which will cause you to cut yourself very badly. Also it will soften your hair and make shaving a lot nicer.

Next you want to dump the water out of your mug and remove your shave-wear. Put about a quarter sized dollop of shaving cream into your mug. Grab your brush and shake out the excess water. you want some water left in the brush but not a lot. Move the brush in circles very quickly around the bottom of the mug to lather up your shaving cream. You want it to be very frothy but still thick enough to stick to your face. To apply the foam to your face you want to move the brush around in small circles all over the area to be shaved. Use the brush and some more foam to smooth it out and you are good to go.

Step 2 - Shaving

The first thing that I am going to tell you is that this is called a "cutthroat shave" for a reason. Razors vary a lot but one thing they all have in common is that they are sharp. Please, for the love of all things holy (meat, boobs, TV, beer) don't cut your fucking head off.

There are a thousand different kinds of straight razors out there and they all have their benefits. I recommend starting with the Shavette by Dovo before moving on. The Shavette is cheap and is the straight shaving world's idea of a disposable razor. It uses razor blades (like the ones emo kids wear around their necks that you pray someday will slip and do what razor blades are meant to do) snapped in half and placed into the blade holder. It will give you the same shave as a regular straight razor but doesn't require you to sharpen or hone anything and is much cheaper.

The learning curve for the Shavette type razor is very steep as you will cut yourself the first time you use it and it is a little less forgiving than the more premium model of razor.

To shave with a straight razor is pretty straight forward. To shave the right side of your face, you want to grip the razor like this in your right hand:

(Note: you can put your fingers however you want but this is the most comfortable for me)

Place the blade flat against your cheek near your ear (at the bottom of your sideburn). Tilt forward slightly and run the blade with the grain of your hair until you reach the bottom of your jaw. You do not need to apply any pressure, let the weight of the razor do the shaving for you. Repeat this, always shaving with the grain, until the right side of your face is complete. To shave your neck, hold the blade in the same way and run it downward, following the contour of the jaw and down toward your neck. Repeat until the right side of your neck is complete.

To shave the left side of your face, repeat the whole process holding the razor in your left hand. That's right. Better start masturbating with your left hand more to get it used to holding little things.

All said, the trick to not murdering yourself with the straight razor is to be calm and confident with your shave. Don't panic and don't be nervous. That is how mistakes are made. Make each cut deliberate and smoothly and your face will thank you for it.

Alright guys, that's it. Hopefully this helps. More posts soon. The next post I take on Chuck Norris.

Cheers,
TyPeets