Shaving 101 - The Guide to Shaving Like your Grandpa

Gentlemen,

It's good to be back. It's been a little while and I'm sure a lot of you have reverted back to your less-than-manly ways. How have you been? Are you ready for a perfect storm of knowledge to be dropped upon your Andrea Gail of a brain? Are you prepared for my Billy Zane-ish wisdom to be bestowed upon your Phantom-like cranium? For my Bushwhacker Butch and Bushwhacker Luke to defeat your Earthquake and Typhoon with the assistance of Andre The Giant and the Legion of Doom? (Alright I'll admit that you probably didn't get any of those. Watch The Perfect Storm, The Phantom, or any other movie starring Billy "B-list" Zane, and Summer Slam '91 in that order) Well then sit back, pour yourself a beer and open your mind hole.

Shaving goes back quite a ways, no one knows exactly how long men have been shaving for but some speculate that it has been since at least 1971 (citation needed). The majority of you use the three bladed Mach 3 from Gillette or the 5 bladed wonder known as the Fusion. Personally, up until a couple of months ago used the Fusion Pro-Glide myself and found it "meh". It didn't hurt that bad to use and I only got a little bit of razor burn so it was, in my books, alright by me. Many of you are in this same boat, mediocre shaving products presenting mediocre results. Take my hand and follow me into the magical world of the straight razor (don't actually take my hand dude, that's kind of weird).

Over the last few years most shaving companies have been adding blades to their razors in an attempt to "reduce tugging and pulling". Gillette came out with the Mach 3, Schick's rebuttal was the Quatro, Gillette gave Schick the finger and said, "stick your four blades up your ass, here's six" and, thus the Fusion was born (as a side note, Gillette also seems to not know the meaning of "Fusion". What did you stick together Gillette? That's what I thought). If you look at the little diagram showing the razor precisely trimming the hair in three spots, this way of thinking is great. However, if you've ever grown your beard out a little and then tried shaving it off with one of these multi-bladed wonders you'll notice something... IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY. That is because our hair does not stick straight out like little face trees and the blades aren't staggered in any way. Instead what you get is a razor that first, cuts the hair right at the bottom, then gets jammed up and proceeds to rip out every hair on your face like you are a prisoner at Guantanamo bay who's not talking.

You'd think that after this horrifying experience the people who make razors, I believe they are called Raisinets (citation needed), would think, "we should probably do something about horribly disfiguring people with our products." Well that they did. Someone over there at the California Raisin factory (where razors are made) decided, "let's make it vibrate," probably after switching from a regular dildo to a vibrating one and noticing a significant difference. This would be a great idea if razors were sex toys (Note: DO NOT USE YOUR RAZOR AS A SEX TOY - you will bleed... lots). All that adding a vibration function to the razor does is make the razor harder to hold onto and, inversely, much, much easier to slit your own throat with.

Gentlemen, if you want a great shave without the razor burn while simultaneously feeling like a complete and utter badass (see Billy Zane), we have to go back to a simpler time. A time where most men were manly and the ones who weren't were shot (Note: I am not saying non-manly men should be shot. Then no one would read my blog). You have to switch from 183 blades on your razor to just one.

That's right, I shave using a straight razor. I'll readily admit that the first time I used it I cut myself a few times but the second time I used it, and every time after, I have not cut myself and have had an amazing shave because of it.

Using a straight razor turns shaving into a bit of a chore, so make sure you give yourself more than 5 minutes before shaving. Those of you who dry shave (what the fuck is wrong with you?) will have to wait until after your shower to shave. Those of you who shave in the shower, you can still do so but you have to remember something, in the event that you slit your throat, they will find your body naked, wet, and shrivelled like a raisin (no relation to the people who make razors). (Special Note: DO NOT shave your pubic hairs using a straight razor. The reason for this is twofold 1) If you use your straight razor on both your face and your balls, you secretly desire balls on your face. 2) You WILL sever your penis)

The Art of Shaving

What you need:

Straight Razor (I use a Dovo)
Badger or Boar Hair Brush
Short, Fat Mug or Bowl
Shaving Cream (real stuff, not shave gel or pre foaming stuff. It should come in a toothpaste tube or a jar)
Face Wash (something with pumice in it)

Step 1 - Pre Shave

The first thing you want to do is fill your shaving mug with very hot water. Place your razor blade first and your brush, bristles down, in the mug. Brushes vary depending on where they come from. Boar brushes are very hard and don't hold water well whereas badger brushes hold water well and are very soft. This is going to sound extremely unmanly and also a little gay, but you want to make sure that when you shower prior to shaving, you us an exfoliant to wash your face. This will serve a few purposes but mainly it will reduce any facial imperfections you have (I'm talking about pimples and blackheads and stuff, not the fact that you're ugly. Face wash can't help with that) which will cause you to cut yourself very badly. Also it will soften your hair and make shaving a lot nicer.

Next you want to dump the water out of your mug and remove your shave-wear. Put about a quarter sized dollop of shaving cream into your mug. Grab your brush and shake out the excess water. you want some water left in the brush but not a lot. Move the brush in circles very quickly around the bottom of the mug to lather up your shaving cream. You want it to be very frothy but still thick enough to stick to your face. To apply the foam to your face you want to move the brush around in small circles all over the area to be shaved. Use the brush and some more foam to smooth it out and you are good to go.

Step 2 - Shaving

The first thing that I am going to tell you is that this is called a "cutthroat shave" for a reason. Razors vary a lot but one thing they all have in common is that they are sharp. Please, for the love of all things holy (meat, boobs, TV, beer) don't cut your fucking head off.

There are a thousand different kinds of straight razors out there and they all have their benefits. I recommend starting with the Shavette by Dovo before moving on. The Shavette is cheap and is the straight shaving world's idea of a disposable razor. It uses razor blades (like the ones emo kids wear around their necks that you pray someday will slip and do what razor blades are meant to do) snapped in half and placed into the blade holder. It will give you the same shave as a regular straight razor but doesn't require you to sharpen or hone anything and is much cheaper.

The learning curve for the Shavette type razor is very steep as you will cut yourself the first time you use it and it is a little less forgiving than the more premium model of razor.

To shave with a straight razor is pretty straight forward. To shave the right side of your face, you want to grip the razor like this in your right hand:

(Note: you can put your fingers however you want but this is the most comfortable for me)

Place the blade flat against your cheek near your ear (at the bottom of your sideburn). Tilt forward slightly and run the blade with the grain of your hair until you reach the bottom of your jaw. You do not need to apply any pressure, let the weight of the razor do the shaving for you. Repeat this, always shaving with the grain, until the right side of your face is complete. To shave your neck, hold the blade in the same way and run it downward, following the contour of the jaw and down toward your neck. Repeat until the right side of your neck is complete.

To shave the left side of your face, repeat the whole process holding the razor in your left hand. That's right. Better start masturbating with your left hand more to get it used to holding little things.

All said, the trick to not murdering yourself with the straight razor is to be calm and confident with your shave. Don't panic and don't be nervous. That is how mistakes are made. Make each cut deliberate and smoothly and your face will thank you for it.

Alright guys, that's it. Hopefully this helps. More posts soon. The next post I take on Chuck Norris.

Cheers,
TyPeets

Beer - It'll Get You Drunk

Gentlemen,

What's this, TyPeets writing 2 posts in one week? I know you are used to only having one knowledge bucket a month or so but I had to post this. I just posted about Mother Nature's most amazing creation, meat, and it was, on the whole, fairly well-received. There are a few people out there who thought that the barnyard was "excessive" and that I was somewhat insensitive to a certain demographic of people. Need I refer you to the one and only rule of this blog?

First off, real men shoot whiskey. No ifs ands or buts. If you can't shoot whiskey, kindly ask your girl for your balls back, and try again. Beer should be used for one purpose, to chase your whiskey.

Now that I have that out of the way, let's get drunk!

It is time to fill that stupid head of yours full of some straight up, unpasteurized, cold filtered goodness. So pull up a barstool because this post is about the most amazing thing that man has ever created... No I'm not talking about internet porn you lonely bastard (seriously bro, find a girl and make her a duck already). I'm talking about the nectar of the Gods, BEER!

Anyone who knows anything knows that beer is made by extracting the tit juice of a Greek goddess and combining it with 3 parts magic and one part awesome to create liquid heaven. It's been around for about six thousand years, and has been manly as fuck ever since then. It's actually probably the reason that you are alive and reading this blog today.

A lot of you women out there are going to get offended right about now because I'm going to go ahead and tell you that what you drink is not beer. If you consider Coors Light, Bud Light Lime or any "beer" with Light after the name to be a beer, you are sorely mistaken. "But TyPeets, light beers have way less calories." Shut up, you are drinking beer, not a delicious smoothie made up of mandarin oranges and strawberries with some ginseng for energy and a little yogurt for substance. You're clearly not watching your weight if you are out at the bar. Real weight management requires dedication and literally not drinking even that watery shit you call light beer (I'm a little bitter on this subject because I'm currently cutting and, thus, not drinking beer). Whether you have one real beer or 6 Coors Light, you're not going to come out of this one better off by going light. If you think you are drinking a beer when you consume a Corona, you are sorely mistaken (Fact: Corona is made by pissing in a bottle that once contained beer and sticking a lime in it).

Real beer should be drank slowly and enjoyed in every delicious drop. Real beer should not taste like lime or apple or berries. It should taste like fucking beer. 

There's a million different types of beer out there but I have a feeling y'all need a crash course. Lucky for you I'm sober and therefore not lazy today.

Top Fermented Beers - These include your Brown Ale, Mild Ale, Pale ale, Stout, and Wheat beers

                                 

These guys are my personal favourites. They are fermented at high temperatures and this produces a lot of esters (little chemistry for you, esters make stuff smell/taste like other stuff) and so their flavour can be anywhere from fruity (like tasting of fruit, not like how your dad says you are acting when a girl dumps you and you try to talk to him about it) to almost grass-like. Examples of these include Guiness, Rickard's White, Alexander Kieth's - the dark "thick" beers

Bottom Fermented Beers - Lager, Pilsner

BFB's are fermented at lower temperatures. These are the beers that your dad probably drinks. As a matter of fact, these beers make up a large majority of all of the beer out there. These ones don't necessarily taste as good as their darker brethren, but what they lack in taste, they make up for in smoothness and, by default, the ability to slam back a ton of them. Molson Canadian, Labatt Blue, Carlsberg, etc.

Those are the only two that I will touch on because, chances are, they are the only ones you'll ever come across with any sort of regularity. They make up 99% of the beer world and that's good enough to get me drunk and then some.

I have tried dozens, if not hundreds of different types of beers. Some just having a few casual beers and some going on 2 month benders using whatever beer I can get my hands on (DMak, you know what I'm driving at). However, I've compiled a list of 10 must drink beers - I suggest drinking all of these in one night because not only does beer give you the ability to think you are more amazing than you are, but it'll get you drunk. And there's nothing more manly than getting drunk.

#10 - Molson M - 4.9% alcohol by volume

This is a brand spankin new beer on the market and the only Molson beer that I can even stand. It is the world's first microcarbonated. I really don't know what the fuck that means but the bubbles in the beer are really tiny and it makes the beer go down very smooth. I drank 32 of them before I realized that I wasn't drinking water. Normally it would lose points for this, but at 4.9% it has the getyoudrunkability of a real beer.

Style: Lager

Tastes like: Slightly hopsy but not overpowering. Some caramel.

The Bad: Molson hasn't gotten rid of their shitty aftertaste

Recommended for: Dads whose stomach isn't what it used to be

#9 - Steamwhistle - 5% alcohol by volume

This one I've been drinking for awhile. It reminds me of being 14 and stealing a bunch of Colt 45. It has that malty taste and really sits nice if you're going to be having more than a couple. 

Style: Pilsner

Tastes like: Sweet, bitter, smooth

The Bad: It's a pilsner, if you've ever had the misfortune of farting after getting drunk off pilsner, you know what it's like to peel the paint off of a footlocker.

Recommended for: The people who aren't very adventurous. Stick to the same type of beer but feel like slowly moving out. Caution, this is a gateway beer. One minute, you're dabbling in a new pilsner. The next, you're sucking dick in a back alley just so you can get your next fix of that sweet, sweet God Nectar.

#8 - Miller Genuine Draft or MGD (Purchased in Canada, not the states) - 4.7% alcohol by volume

This will for sure be the last American beer on here. Generally American beer tastes as though you poured your beer into a bucket of water and then dumped the bucket into a pool. If you buy your MGD in Canada though, you are in for a treat. This beer is brewed cold. This is weird because most beers, even bottom or "cold" fermented beers are still done around 15 degrees. The cold filtering removes the bitterness from the beer and leaves a very sweet, very smooth beer.

Style: Lager

Tastes Like: Barley. Sweet, smooth and dry. No aftertaste.

The Bad: This beer is sweet. If you don't like headaches, drink lots of water when you drink this one

Recommended for: The nights where 1 or 2 beers isn't going to be enough

#7 - Innis & Gunn - 6.6% alcohol by volume

This one is brewed in Scotland. Those dudes know their shit when it comes to drinking. I mentioned before how real men shoot whiskey, Innis & Gunn can be drunken on its own and still be manly. It is aged in oak barrels and tastes a lot like whiskey when you drink it. At 6.6% this fucker will make you rambunctious just like whiskey too. 

Style: These dudes invented their own style - Oak Aged

Tastes Like: Vanilla, caramel, acorn (acorn?), pear - Seriously, this beer is fucked

The Bad: Shit is strong as hell

Recommended for: The nights you want to get hella drunk under the guise of drinking beer

#6 Grasshopper - 5% alcohol by volume

This one is probably the most mellow tasting beer on this list. It is sweet, bitter, citrus and amazing. A Canadian wheat beer out of Alberta, it goes good absolutely any time of the day but especially for breakfast. 

Style: Wheat Beer

Tastes Like: Smooth, hopsy, lemon

The Bad: Get it in draught. When you buy it in a bottle, the wheat settles to the bottom and tastes like shit.

Recommended for: Everyone, even kids. Especially kids. It tastes like candy.

#5 Guinness - 5% abv (in North America)

Ah Guinness. Everyone knows what it is, what it looks like and probably that your grandpa likes it. Here is a free tip for you, your grandpa is manly, and he knows his beer. Guinness is delicious and thick. It is what everyone thinks of when they think European Beer. Surprisingly though, not many people under the age of 40 have ever tasted Guinness. Next time you are at the bar, treat yourself to this magical beer. If you are a fan of real beer, you will love it.

Style: Stout 

Tastes Like: Bitter as all hell. You cannot chug this beer.

The Bad: You can't get drunk off of it because you will get full much, much before this.

Recommended for: The days where you didn't have time for any meals. 

#4 Mill Street Original Organic - 4.2% abv

This guy is one of the weakest of the bunch. I'm including it for you soyfuckers out there who only wear hemp and do things that are earth friendly. This beer is for you. And anyone else who loves good beer. Seriously, as much as I am an advocate for making as big of a carbon footprint as I can, this beer is delicious. 

Style: Pilsner

Tastes Like: MGD

The Bad: You are saving the environment drinking this = Unmanly

Recommended for: Soyfuckers

#3 - Delirium Tremens - 8.5% abv

This beer was once named best beer in the world... and for a damned good reason. It tastes amazing and definitely unlike any beer I have ever tried. It is extremely hopsy and bitter but somehow sweet and light. It scores extreme man points because it has a pink elephant on the bottle and the name Delirium Tremens actually comes from one of the most severe symptoms of alcohol withdrawal which involves the sufferer shaking like a madman. You'll recognize this one as the one with the pink elephant on the bottle.

Style: Pale Ale

Tastes Like : Very hopsy. Cotton Candy

The Bad: Nothing bad to say about this one

Recommended for: Getting wasted... Shit in the litterbox wasted

#2 - Steigl Radler - 2.5% abv

This one is by far the weakest and you can almost call it juice. Now, it goes against my real beer motto of "it should taste like beer" but it was introduced to me by a manly-ass dude by the name of DMak. This one is delicious and actually has kind of an interesting back-story. In the Alps, it's really easy to get 2 things accomplished very fast. 1) Dying of dehydration because you are climbing a mountain. 2) Getting drunk as fuck on account of the lack of oxygen that high up. So the clever bastards at Steigl decided to get two birds stoned at once and create a beer that could hydrate mountain climbers and get them drunk enough to spend all of their money and impregnate the daughters of Hinrick Steigl so that he could have grandkids to get drunk. 

Style: Lager

Tastes like: Grapefruit, raspberry, or lemon - depends which flavour you get

The Bad: Weak as fuck at sea level

Recommended for: Picking up chicks with your knowledge of beers they will like

#1 La Trappe by Koningshoeven - 7.5% abv

This beer is the grand daddy. A Dutch masterpiece, much like myself. It is a Trappist Beer. What is a Trappist Beer? I'm glad you asked:

A Trappist beer is somewhat different to an abbey beer. Out of all the beers in the world, only seven of them can use the name ‘Trappist’: Achel, Chimay, Westmalle, Orval, Rochefort, Westvleteren and La Trappe.

A Trappist beer is only given this name if it satisfies a number of strict criteria:

1.  The beer is brewed within the walls of a Trappist abbey, by the monks themselves or under their supervision.
2.  The brewery must be controlled by the monastery and have a business culture compatible with the monastic project.
3.  The purpose of the brewery is not to make a profit. The income takes care of the livelihood of the monks and the upkeep of the abbey site. What is left over is used for charitable purposes, social work and people in need.

The Trappist breweries produce beers of an impeccable quality that is permanently controlled. Thus a La Trappe Trappist contains 100% natural ingredients.

Yeah, it's that epic. My absolute favourite beer by a long shot.

Style: Wheat Beer

Tastes like: Very hopsy. Caramel

The Bad: There is absolutely nothing bad to say about this beer. It is perfection.

Recommended for: Anyone who appreciates good beer

Gentlemen that is all she wrote for this evening. Lots of beers to go out and try so get on it. Feel free to recommend some if you want and I'll give them a look.  

Just remember something for me. Alcohol is not an excuse to act like a complete douche. Beer is a lovely thing and if it is enjoyed properly, can be a great way to have some fun. For those of you who decide to have a few drinks and drive home. Fuck you. I'm serious, you may think you are alright, but if I lose another friend to a drunk driver, I will personally find you and make sure that my foot ends up squarely in your anus.

On a lighter note, I'm not done posting yet. I haven't taught you ladies how to shave, blow things up, or tune-up an engine yet. More posts soon.

Cheers,

TyPeets

Meat - Enough Said

Gentlemen,

The last post was well received so we'll give this cooking thing a try again. This time though, instead of getting you laid like I did last time (which worked for at least a couple people), I will be teaching you wannabe men out there to do what men are meant to do, cook meat. I am going to go over only things that can be done on the barbecue (except the last one), which is everything. You can even cook your vegetables on the barbecue, which, if you have to cook vegetables, i recommend because it makes the vegetables sort of taste like meat. Just remember, nobody oooo's and awe's over grilled eggplant, basted in chipotle barbecue sauce... Give the people what they want; MEAT (Note: Semicolons, even if misused are manly).

Now, barbecuing is a science. It requires patience, commitment and, most importantly, liquor. I am going to teach you guys how to make alcohol your friend. I'm not talking about staying up late with a bottle of wine and crying about your crappy life. Wine isn't manly, and crying is most certainly not. If your life is that bad, shoot some whiskey and fight someone. I'm talking about using alcohol to benefit your cooking. Using your friends to benefit you is manly. Being there to help your friends is not.

You may think that you know how to barbecue, and a few of you may have some serious skills, but let me tell you, that hockey puck that you served me is not a steak. So it would make sense that the first thing I teach you how to do is cook the perfect steak. That's not going to happen. Being manly is about doing what you want and disregarding the consequences. Not following a perfect segue. (Note: that was a perfect opportunity to use a semicolon. Re-read the second last sentence)

Whole Roasted Beer Can Chicken


This is a personal favourite of mine. It's simple, delicious chicken that uses science to moisten the chicken from the inside out. Fucking smart.


What you need:


A Chicken
1 Can and 6 Bottles of beer - I recommend using lager or pilsner for the can because you want it to evaporate
2 Tbsp - Olive Oil
2 Tbsp - Salt
2 Tsp - Ground Black Pepper


Rub:

1 Tsp each - Ground Garlic, Onion Powder, Paprika, Salt

1/2 Tsp each - Ground Coriander, Cumin, Black Pepper, Rosemary
1/4 Tsp - Cayenne Pepper


First thing you want to do is combine the rub ingredients in a bowl. Next you want to rinse the chicken inside and our and dry with paper towels. Rub the chicken with the oil, then with the salt and pepper, and then with the rub. This is known internationally as the triple rub-down. Next, open the can of beer and discard half of it down your throat (DO NOT DUMP THE BEER OUT! This is alcohol abuse and I will not stand for it). This next step is crucial as you do not want to spill your beer. Grab each leg of the chicken and place it over the can. The cavity of the chicken (its ass) should fit snugly, but nicely over the can.


Next you want to bring your grill to medium-high heat. You are going to take the chicken on a can and place it in the center of one of the grills, balancing the bird on its two legs and the can. It should, at this point, closely resemble what you do every Saturday. Turn the burner on which your bird is sitting off - you don't want to burn that sonofabitch. Keep the other burner on medium-high for about an hour and fifteen minutes (an hour and a quarter for my redneck friends out there). While it is cooking, you want to keep the lid of the barbecue closed and drink the 6 bottles of beer. After this time you want to check the internal temperature. The chicken is done when the breast temperature is 165F and the thigh juice runs clear when stabbed.


Remove the chicken from the heat and let it sit for 10 minutes. At this point you have 2 choices. You can discard the scalding hot beer or you can be ultramanly and drink that bacteria-ridden, throat destroying soup of death.


Jack Daniels Barbecue Sauce

Ask anyone who knows anything about barbecue sauce what their favourite sauce is. I can guarantee that they will say that it is whiskey sauce. I'm going to teach you to make a Jack Daniels Sauce that not only tastes fucking delicious, but will make you want to fight anyone who happens to look at you wrong.

What you need:


A 40 of Jack Daniels
1/2 Onion Chopped Finely
4 Cloves of Garlic Chopped Finely
2 Cups - Ketchup
1/3 Cup - Vinegar
3 Tbsp - Worchestershire Sauce

1/2 Cup - Brown Sugar

3/4 Cup - Molasses
1/2 Tsp - Pepper
1/2 Tsp - Salt
1/4 Cup - Tomato Paste
1 Tsp - Liquid Smoke
1/2 Tsp - Tobasco Sauce (use a full teaspoon if you're using Frank's Redhot)

Mix the onion, garlic and 3/4 Cup of JD in a saucepan. Heat on med-high until the onion is translucent. Add the remaining ingredients and bring it to a boil. Simmer that shit until it's nice and thick. Go shot for shot with your best friend using the rest of the whiskey. Since your best friend is your mom, you'll likely lose this drinking contest so I'm going to add a step. Cry inconsolably while your mom tells you that it's okay, you're still her special little guy. Pussy.

The Perfect Steak


There are 2 keys to making the perfect steak. The first one is the marinade. Really good steaks don't really need one, but it still makes even the best steaks taste even better. Second key is not to cook the everloving shit out of it. Not only does it cause black cancer death to ruin an otherwise delicious slab of meat. But it makes the steak tough and stringy and really hard to eat.


Marinade:


The perfect steak needs the perfect marinade. This marinade works well and will make your steak angry; and an angry steak is a delicious steak.


First you want to pour half a beer into a plastic bag. Next you're going to add to that beer, 2 or 3 cloves of finely chopped garlic, a pinch of cayenne, 2 pinches of onion powder and a nice big sqeeze of your favourite barbecue sauce (don't use the Jack Daniels one). Mix this shit around and it should look like a bag of puke with a slab of steak in the middle. Marinade for 12 hours or so. The morning that you are going to cook that bitch, you want to put 2 shots of Jack in there. About a half hour before cooking, you're going to toss in about a tablespoon of lime juice. I'll stress that you want to do this no more than a half hour before cooking. If you're not sure why, soak your penis in lime juice for over a half hour and watch as it turns to mush and falls off. To not get super sciencey, the acid in the lime juice activates enzymes in the meat which destroy the shit out of it. You're adding it to take away some of the toughness, not turn it into steak soup.

To cook it you want to turn your bbq on high and get that bitch nice and hot. Throw the steak on and you should hear the best sound ever. Leave it for about 2 minutes and then turn it on the other side. Again, best sound ever. Now you want to turn the heat down a bit and cook it until it's at your desired doneness. Don't cut it open because that makes searing the fats inside of it completely redundant. Check it by poking it. If it feels like squeezing your thumb and index finger together (making an "ok" sign), it's rare. if it feels like your thumb and middle finger together (the reverse shocker), it's medium. If it feels like your pinky finger and thumb together, it's well done. If you are cooking for people, you want to figure out these feelings beforehand so you don't look like a retard pressing your fingers and then touching everyone's steak with your fecal-bacteria ridden hands.

The Barnyard - A.K.A. The Gratuitous Act of Violence

This bitch is the Batman of meals. It makes Wendy's Baconator look like a pussy. It is quite literally the epitome of manliness. It makes even the legendary Turducken look civilized.


As a warning, this bitch feeds A LOT of people. I can be certain that you could feed at least 300 people with this thing. I know that you don't know 300 people so if you are going to attempt this, let me know and I'll bring the people.


What you need:


Bacon (lots)
A quail
A cornish hen
A chicken
A duck
A turkey
A pig
A cow (yep, a whole goddamned cow)

Corn Bread Dressing

Sausage glue
Large Needle and Cotton Thread
A big ass steel bar
A not so big steel bar
2 Big ass "A" arms
A Motor capable of spinning a whole fucking cow
A nice big charcoal fire


Alright, so now I assume you know what I'm driving at. I'm going to stuff all these bitches inside of one another and cook the fuck out of them.

Rinse the turkey and remove the neck and giblets. Place the turkey boobs down and cut through the skin down the spine. Usind the tip of a knife, separate the meat from the ribs. Toward the neck, you want to cut through the meat and expose the shoulder blade. Cut the meat away from the bone and sever the bone at the joint to remove the blade. Bust the wings at the second and third joints but keep them attached. Contunue seperating the meat from the bones heading down toward the thigh. Remove the thighbone from the carcass but keep the leg attached. Repeat the same thing down the other side of the bird and remove the skeleton.

Now you have a flat, boneless turkey with the skin intact. Put that bitch in the fridge and cover it with plastic wrap to stop it from drying.


Repeat this process on the duck, the chicken, the hen and the quail, but this time remove the bones from the wings and drumsticks. 


Sausage glue - Take 3 lbs of sausage and 2 eggs and process them in a food processor until they make a paste.


Spread the turkey out and spread the sausage glue all over the inside. Put the duck on top, skin down, spread sausage glue. Repeat the bird/glue procedure until you have a giant pile of meat, and you are out of birds to cook.

Next you are going to fold the sides of the turkey together and sew down the back of the turkey. Wrap the whole thing about 4 times with cotton thread and tie the legs together. Put the giant ball of dead birds, boobs up, on a rack and put the rack on a baking sheet. Roast at 225F for about 9 hours or until the center of the bird is 165F.

Now you're going to want to wrap that son of a bitch in bacon and shove it inside of the pig. You'll likely have to debone the pig first just like you did with the turkey. Sew it shut.

You'll have to stab the pig all the way through, lengthwise with the not so big steel bar. Make yourself a wicked fire using about 140lbs of charcoal as a bed. You want this fire to be about 350F. To tell how hot it is, hold your hand at cooking level. You should be able to leave it there for 8-10 seconds but no more than 12. You'll want to put a drip pan filled with salt, pepper, garlic, orange juice, butter and some herbs, underneath and baste the pig every half hour or so, using the drippings as well. The drip pan will also stop it from lighting on fire. Which looks awesome but ruins the pig. The pig is done when it's about 170F inside the thickest part.

Next you'll want to remove the spit and put the whole thing inside of the cow. You can use the same cow that you should have hooked up in your walk in freezer that you've been punching. Put the big ass bar all the way through and set it on the A arms. Hook the motor up and let it spin. for this guy you'll need the same temperature which means that you'll also need about 1500 pounds of charcoal for the bed. Cook it just like you did the pig, but this time you don't really need to pay too much attention to the internal temperature as it will taste better if it's a little pink.

Well, I don't really have any closing remarks as I'm too busy drooling. Talk to you guys soon.

Cheers,

TyPeets

Cooking... Separating the Men from the Boys

Gentlemen, it's been awhile but I am back and about to take on a controversial topic... Cooking. Prepare yourself, this ain't no Martha Stewarts Living. I'm about to throw down some knowledge into that dried fruit you call a brain. So open your mind hole and prepare to be dazzled (not a manly word, do not use dazzled unless you scored really high on the manliness test. That gives you a free pass to use words like dazzled and scrumptious).


Now a lot of you out there think that cooking is for women... Men are meant to enjoy a delicious meal prepared by a woman. How wrong you are. There are a few things wrong with this theory of yours.


1) Women cook with vegetables. Vegetables are not manly. Vegetables are what meat eats... I'm not suggesting only eating meat because, though delicious, it'll fucking kill you. I'm simply saying that vegetables were designed to go on top of meat. A popular excuse for those vegetarians out there is that "humans are not meant to eat meat". This is false. If humans weren't meant to eat meat, meat wouldn't be so delicious.


2) Women do not mix meats. When was the last time you saw a woman wrap a chicken with a duck wrapped in a turkey, stuffed inside of a bacon wrapped pig. That's right, you haven't.


3) Women expect you to do the dishes. This is probably the most important one. If you do the cooking, your lady has to do the dishes... It's not the law yet but I'm lobbying pretty hard.


Let me set a stage for you guys who don't know how to showcase your miraculous cooking talent buried deep in your core. How to harness the power of epic meals for good and not evil (evil in this case is cooking for your mom). You have started hanging out with this girl and things are rolling smoothly but she seems too good for you. This is not a bad thing. You just need to turn the tables. Score some serious man-points with this little lady (she better be of age bro, cause that's not cool). The preparation for this meal must be done in advance. You have to find an excuse to cook for her because it's actually a fact that 100% of girls think that you are trying to rape them. 


The set up should be something along these lines. Pick a sport that you are good at. It can be any sport so long as you are good enough at said sport to control the game. For the majority of men reading this blog, I'm going to assume that you aren't too skilled when it comes to sports that involve moving a whole lot so we'll stick with something a little more up to your speed. Make a bet with her over a game of lawn darts (Caution: This game involves sharp, weighted projectiles. It's the most manly game on the planet aside from "catch the bullet"). The bet... If you (the man) win, she has to take you to a guy movie (Titanic is a guys movie... you may think that it is not but it so is. It has boobs in it which instantly gives it points. It's about a big fucking boat that gets split in half by a big chunk of ice. The single most awesome thing to come out of that movie though... When the boat goes ass-up and the guy flys off of it and hits the propeller, spinning like Eddy Gordo from Tekken) and if she (the woman) wins, you (the man) will make her dinner, and take you skating or something like that (I don't know which city you could skate and play lawn darts in the same week... Shut up, I'm dropping knowlege here). Now gentlemen, this step is crucial... You have to intentionally lose. I'm not talking shit the bed and pull a Jay Cutler. Just throw the game so that she wins, but just barely. This is the ONLY time that it is okay to lose to a girl in a sport. If it is sewing or vacuuming, you'll lose no matter what. If you tried your hardest and still lost, you can't read any more.


Now that you have "lost" (wink), you have to cook her dinner. She's not going to want to come over and eat Kraft Dinner with Bacon Bits in it so you have to learn to cook son. She comes over for this dinner that you have promised her, not knowing what to expect. You have been reading this blog and so you are a manly son of a bitch and she assumes that whatever you are going to cook is going to be bad. But for some reason she likes your sorry ass and she's over anyway. That is when you put her on your couch and give her the remote (this gives the illusion that you really care about her... and lets you do your thing in the kitchen in peace).


An hour later you come out and place in front of her a motherfucking braised Duck... What the fuck is up? Her girl boner that's what... You've just played the game and won my friend.


I know what you are thinking, "TyPeets, you are wise beyond your years... But I don't know any recipes for anything". God you're lucky I'm here...


Triple Meat Burgers


These tasty treats are good, but better enjoyed among men or the women out there who can truly hang. Here's what you need.


Bacon - 8 Strips
Honey Garlic Sausage - 1 Pound - Casing removed
Hamburger - 1 Pound
2 Eggs
1 Small White Onion Finely Chopped
Oregano - 1 Tbsp
Basil - 1 Tbsp
Garlic - 3 Cloves Finely Chopped
Ground Cayenne Pepper - 1/2 Tsp
Nutmeg - 1 Tbsp
Ground Black Pepper 1 Tsp


Use a food processor to grind the bacon into a ball of delicious bacon paste. Toss everything in a bowl and mix it up by hand. It should look like one pink ball of meat with white specks of onion and garlic. Start up the barbecue on medium-high. While the barbecue is heating up you are going to take your ball of meat, divide it into about 6 small balls (haha, small balls) and flatten each one into a burger. Toss them on the barbecue for a few minutes each side until they aren't pink in the middle anymore. Top with whatever burger fixins you eat, or with a chicken breast if you're feeling ultra manly. NOM NOM NOM NOM.


Braised Duck (people don't eat these deliciously cute birds nearly enough)


A Duck (each 4 to 5 lb)
3/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
6 tbsp Brandy (or Jack Daniels)
2 tsp chopped fresh thyme or 1/2 tsp dried
1/4 tsp ground allspice
Half onion, sliced
1/2 cup minced  shallots
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup  dry red wine (or Jack Daniels)
4 sprigs fresh thyme
1 bay leaf
1 tbsp cornstarch
2 tbsp red currant jelly (or Jack Daniels)

 

Duck Stock:

2 onions, quartered

2 carrots, chopped

3 stalks celery, chopped

4 sprigs fresh parsley

4 sprigs fresh thyme or 1/2tsp dried

3 slices ginger root

2 cloves garlic

1 bay leaf

4 whole cloves

1 tsp black peppercorns

1/4 tsp salt

Preparation - This one takes a while, if you replace each ingredient with a shot of Jack Daniels, I promise that your date will go just as well.

With paper towels, give the duck a rub down. Place neck, gizzards and hearts in roasting pan.
Cut its legs off where thigh joint meets backbone; separate drumsticks from thighs and set aside. Cut off wings; remove the tips of the wings (the part that looks gross and inedible).
Trim tops of duck boobs off wishbones; sliding knife under each boob along either side of breastbone, remove breasts and set aside.


Trim off fat and fatty skin from carcass and set aside; cut off and discard tailbone. Chop the carcass in half and place in roasting pan. If you feel like Dexter, you're probably doing this right.


Duck Stock: Add onions and carrots to roasting pan; roast in 450F/230C oven until duck and vegetables are browned, about 45 minutes. With slotted spoon, transfer solids to stockpot; add celery, parsley, thyme, ginger, garlic, bay leaf, cloves, peppercorns, salt and 6 cups/1.5 L water. Pour off and discard fat from roasting pan.


Place pan over medium heat and add 2 cups/500 mL water; bring to boil, scraping up brown bits from bottom of pan. As much as I always tell you to stay away from brown bits, these ones are delicious. Pour into stockpot; bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, for 2 hours. Let cool; strain, discarding solids. Skim off and discard fat.


Trim off and reserve fatty edges of skin from thigh and breast pieces. Place drumstick, thigh and wing pieces in bowl and sprinkle with 3/4 tsp of the salt, 1/4 tsp of the pepper and 2 tbsp of the brandy (or Jack Daniels), turning to coat; place in airtight container or plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or for up to 2 days. The longer you keep these bad boys in the fridge, the more they'll get you (and more importantly your date) drunk.


Cut diagonal slashes through breast skin (not through meat); transfer to bowl. Sprinkle with thyme, allspice, remaining pepper, and 2 tbsp of the brandy (or Jack Daniels), turning to coat; place in airtight container or plastic bag and refrigerate for at least 2 hours or for up to 2 days. Again, lean more toward the 2 days for maximum drunken bad decisions. 


Evenly slice trimmed skin pieces; place in heavy-bottomed saucepan with fat trimmings, onion and 1/2 cup /125 mL water and bring to boil. Reduce heat to low and cook until skin and onion are browned and crispy; through sieve, drain fat into heatproof bowl, reserving skin, cracklings (fried skin) and onion.
In skillet, heat 2 tbsp of the fat (reserve remainder for other uses, like mixing with Jack Daniels for what I like to call Jack the Duck and his crime-fighting partner TyPeets the Drunk) over medium heat; brown drumstick, thigh and wing pieces all over, then transfer to Dutch oven. Drain off and discard fat from skillet, leaving just enough to coat bottom; add shallots and garlic and fry, stirring, until softened, about 3 minutes. Add wine and, stirring, bring to boil; pour into Dutch oven (hahaha, Dutch Oven).
Place Dutch oven (haha, Dutch Oven) over medium-high heat; when liquid has reduced by half, add 2 cups/500 mL Duck Stock (you made this earlier, remember?), thyme sprigs, bay leaf and remaining salt. Bring to boil; transfer to 350F/180C oven. Braise (don't be afraid of this, braise literally means cook in liquid, I think it might be a french word... It probably is french. They always make things way harder than they need to be), uncovered, until duck pieces are tender, 60 to 90 minutes. Transfer duck pieces to heatproof platter; keep warm.


Increase oven temperature to 425F/220C.


Strain braising liquid into heatproof measuring cup; skim off and discard fat. Pour braising liquid into saucepan and cook until reduced to 1-1/2 cups/375 mL, then remove from heat (if pan juices are less than 1-1/2 cups/375 mL, simply add enough stock to make 1-1/2 cups/375 mL). Set aside.
In ovenproof skillet over medium heat, place breasts skin side down; when nicely browned, flip over, then transfer skillet to 425F/220C oven. Roast until centre is pink, about 10 minutes. Transfer to plate; let stand for 5 minutes.


Meanwhile, in saucepan, bring braising liquid (another one of those french terms for the shit you just cooked your duck in) to boil. Stir cornstarch with remaining brandy (or Jack Daniels); stir into braising liquid. Boil over medium heat for 1 minute; stir in jelly (I was joking about using Jack Daniels instead of jelly, use the jelly) until dissolved.


Thinly slice breasts; arrange on serving platter and surround with braised pieces. Spoon some sauce over top and sprinkle with reserved cracklings (if using) and onion. Serve remaining sauce on side or with Jack Daniels for a little treat.


For dessert, you should be having sex. Depending on the amount of Jack Daniels you used, this might not be physically possible so you should probably buy some ice cream or cake or something.


That's all for now guys, hopefully these recipes come in handy and I'll post some more soon.


Cheers,
TyPeets

Manliness 101 - The Moustache

Gentlemen,

        As I'm sure the manly men out there know, Movember is forthcoming at an alarming rate. For those of you who don't know what Movember is, it's a charity event in which men (and manly women) grow a moustache (or womoustache for the aforementioned women) of any kind and where it for an entire month raising money for prostate cancer research. I will be sponsored by some of the female members in my office. I am having some trouble deciding exactly which type of moustache I will be donning. I want you, the readers of my blog (both of you) to leave some comments for ideas. Below I have listed some different types of moustaches. Keep in mind I only have a month to do it so anything that requires serious  growth (more than an inch or so). I personally have worn the handlebar and the friendly mutton chops. Both of which were equal parts epic and disgusting. Also bear in mind, I will not be covering my chin so any beard will not be worn. 

Thanks peeps, and remember, a moustache in on the face is worth two in the bush. Leave comments here or on FB. Of course I will post pictures.

Cheers,

TyPeets

10 Ways To Tell If You Are a Real Man

If you are Tom Selleck, you don't need to worry, you're already a real man.

Gentlemen, a lot of you have read the initial post and a lot of you have failed the test. Now, this means that you shouldn't be allowed to read this post, but I'm not ruler of the internet yet so I can't ban you from reading on. Those of you who failed the test may be thinking to yourself, 'but TyPeets, I am a manly motherfucker. My mom tells me every day. I am more manly than my friends but I still failed the test. Is there any way that I can become more manly?' Well you are in luck, I'm in a generous mood today so I'll do all of you sissies a favour. First off, before I get to the list, stop telling me that your mom tells you that you are manly. It's creepy and being creepy is not manly. Also, the fact that you are the most manly out of all of your friends does not make you more of a man. It's like that runner from South Africa, Caster Semenya. She is the most manly one of his/her peers, but she still has woman parts.

So, here's the list...


1) Respect


Real men respect other people like they want to be respected. Whether a person is above them (financially, corporately or otherwise successfully) or below them, a real man treats his peers with respect. It doesn't matter the gender, the race or the religion of the person, people are people and real men realize this. Being manly and being a chauvinist are not one in the same. Last post I made a comment about women being bad drivers and I got a slew of emails from angry female readers telling me that they, in fact, were excellent drivers (although I have had the (dis)pleasure of driving with many of the ones who emailed and I can tell you that they are some of the worst drivers I have ever seen). Relax, it's a joke. Not every female is a bad driver. My mother is a great driver in a straight line. If  she has to back up, parallel park, navigate a tight spot or do any sort of driving that is even kind of out of the norm, she has to get myself or my father to do it. Such is the case for MOST women I know (note that most is capitalized to show not all). As I stated, being chauvinistic is not manly. In fact, disrespecting and especially abusing women (physically, verbally or mentally) is not only unmanly, it is just downright low. You are the bane of the universe, the scum of existence, the "men" who sink so low as to lay a hand on a woman.


2) Facial Hair


Real men can grow beards. Personally, I can grow a decent beard in about three days and I know many people who can attest to this. I'm not talking about the scraggly, patchy, teenage beards that those girly men like Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp grow. I'm talking full out, Dos Equis Guy beards.


3) Brains


Real men are smart (relax, I didn't say smarter than women). Period. Book smarts are half the battle. The other half comes from years of practice, patience and a lot of trial and error. It's what allows us to build the houses we live in, the bridges we cross and the cars we drive... These men are geniuses.


4) Mantuition


Women always talk about women's intuition. It's how they can tell their spouse is cheating, their kids are sick or another woman's period is giving her problems. These traits are all well and good but they aren't going to save you when shit goes down. Enter Mantuition. There's been an accident that has left you and your family stranded in a forrest. Which way is north? If a wild animal attacked you right now, without warning, what would you use that is in your reach to ward it off? After killing that animal, what is the best way to build a fire using only what you have outside (no lighters) to cook it? You need shelter, how do you build a lean-to? How do you collect fresh water? If you can answer those questions in less than 5 seconds each, you were likely born with mantuition (if you've ever actually been in that situation, you probably have a pretty amazing beard too). Mantuition is not learned... It is innate to all men out there.


5) Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar


First thing I want you to note; it is grammar, not grammer. SPG are three things that really bug me in the age of texting, IM and the internet in general. Anyone who has ever received a text from me, an IM from me, or has read my blog will notice that I type you, not u. I form sentences with real words, complete with punctuation. I try my best to avoid short forms and I most certainly will never use LOLSpeak (the new language invented from those stupid 'I can has cheezeburger' cats). It's not because I think I am better than you, it's because those who tipe liek thissssssssss come off as complete idiots. Facebook is going to be the end of the English language as we know it... Please help it out by typing like a literate person, not like a four year old.


7) (Lack of) Designer Clothes


Men do not wear Abercrombie and Fitch, Holister or any of that crap. Men wear clothes that are comfortable, have oil stains on them, and they wear them for a long time... Our jeans come whole and the holes, stains and fades come from years of working hard in them. Men really don't give a shit what our clothes look like. I'll go to a wedding in work boots and a sweatshirt if it interferes with chores.


8) Hard Work


Real men work hard. We will work 60 hours a week if it means putting food on the table. There's no substitute for a man who has not only a can do attitude but a will do attitude. It doesn't have to be construction or automobiles, I am a chemist by trade (although I do have a lot of experience in the skilled trades), but every day a real man comes to work, he puts forth 110% from shift start to shift end.


9) Manly Hands


This is a by-product of hard work. Manly hands are big, strong and rough... If your hands are smoother than your girlfriend's, you either masturbate way too much or you need to start doing something that involves lifting more than the remote softy. If you have dainty little hands,  you can't protect your loved ones.


And that brings me to the tenth and final area of manliness for this post:


10) Protection


And I'm not talking about what your dad should have worn with your mom, sissy. A real man can and will protect his family until the bitter end. Be it with a gun, a bat or good old fashioned fisticuffs, a man will stop at nothing to ensure his loved ones are safe. Ladies, if a madman looking like Mel Gibson from Mad Max walked into your house with a knife and an out-to-rape attitude, what would your boyfriend/husband do? Would he hide with you, shaking like a little puppy? OR would he put up his dukes and drop that fucker? I already know what I would do.


And that, my friends, is 10 of the many, many ways to tell how manly you really are. Obviously there are more than just 10 areas of manliness; we didn't even get into hunting, fishing, the internal combustion engine and mantiquing.


Let me know what you guys want to see next and I'll either take your advice or ignore it because real men play by their own rules (free tip y'all).


More Posts Soon,
Cheers,
TyPeets

The Man Test (Borrowed from Forrest Griffin)

Alright Gentlemen,

This is the inaugural post. This blog was inspired by a conversation with DMak (of Dearest Toronto) about a book we read. A book by a man; a man even more manly than me (I know, it's a stretch, but it's true!). That man's name is Forrest Griffin, the former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion. In his book, Got Fight?, Forrest makes potential readers take a manliness test before continuing on in the book.

This blog is not his book, but found within (not yet, this is the first post dumbass) you will find posts about beer, boobs, explosions, moustaches and other guy shit. That does not mean no girls allowed, in fact, I encourage girls to come out and read. That way you can see through all that Hollister & Fitch or whatever the fuck those douchebags are wearing... Look at me, I have a fake tan, two diamond studs and a faux-hawk. Ladies, do all the genuine, hard-working, good-hearted, big penised, down to earth, MEN a favour and stop having sex with the first dickhead wearing Ed Hardy jeans... Thank you.

Now that I have your attention, I should probably go over a few ground rules concerning this page. 

1) If you have a problem with any post, or anything displayed on this page you should do the following: Keep it to yourself. You're a whiny bitch and no one cares what you have to say.

That pretty much covers the ground rules. Now if you score forty points or higher on Forrest's test, you are a man. Chances are you don't own anything with an eagle or moose on it, and if you do that eagle is tearing the moose apart or maybe they're like a buddy cop team wearing leather jackets with something slick like a huge ass machine gun tucked underneath like in the Matrix. If that is the case, you should probably wear that shirt all the time or send it my way. If you score between twenty five and forty points, you should either wait until you hit puberty, or call your dad and have him explain the content of this page to you, provided that your dad scores above forty. If he doesn't, you should probably find a foster family or something. You can also never tell any of your friends that you read the page, because, chances are your buddies are also lacking in manliness. If you score below twenty five points, you might as well hang up your pre-ripped jeans, take off your gold chain, cut off your sack, turn it into a very small purse, and become a terrible driver because you sir, are a woman... Unless you actually are a woman, in which case, continue reading but ask a man his score before having sex with him. If his response is "what do you mean score? Isn't this haircut da bomb" or something equally as asinine, kick him in the nuts and find a guy who's score is over 40.

Another thing, don't cheat. If you cheat, you are only discrediting yourself when you start taking offense to how manly I am and thinking you can kick my ass even though the only "training" you have is from the Expert Village series on Youtube. If you cheat, congrats man, you really are a bitch. You are so unmanly that you had to cheat on a test that proves your manliness in order to be considered manly enough to read along.

Without further ado (I know it's adieu but I don't believe in French, because it's not manly) here is the test:

#1 You wake up one morning to find a really fat chick lying next to you in bed. How do you react?

a) You somehow convince the Woolly Mammoth to squeeze out your bedroom window so no one sees her leave, remove the wiry hair from between your teeth, and never tell a living soul about what you have done.

b) Have her leave through the front door, but make up a bunch of excuses about how you were too drunk to get it up when your buddies start busting your balls.

c) Take her out for breakfast and nod “what’s up?” to your friends when they give you funny looks. You don’t go so far as to lick the syrup off her lips at the end of the meal, but you smile and treat her with respect.

d) Thank her for taking your virginity and nervously ask her for her phone number.
e) Do not wake her up. Just leave your home and never come back.

ANSWERS

a) +0 points. Let me break this down for you. Sleeping with a fat chick is an automatic-5 points, but covering up the dark 

moments of your life like an old- school vet is definitely manly, earning you +5 points. If  you should ever  find 

yourself  in this scenario and  react in such a manner, consider it a wash on the manliness scale.

b) -10 points. In this scenario, you get-5 points for sleeping with a fat chick, and then you get another-5 points for being a whining bitch.

c) +5 points. If a real man slips in a pile of dog shit, rolls down a hill into a puddle of pig shit, claws his way out only to be

shit on by a cow, he still climbs to his feet with pride. Sleeping with a fat chick and holding your head high is the same 

type of scenario. It requires balls of steel and an unbreakable sense of pride, earning you +10 hard-earned 

points of manliness. Subtract the five points for the deed itself, and you end up with +5.

d) +0 points. If this was your answer, the reason I didn’t award negative points is that I am now going to ask you politely to stop taking this test. All real men lose their virginity to prostitutes. However, if the fat chick in question was indeed a nighttime model, I will let you slide with zero points and a warning.

e) -15 points. You are a coward, and cowards aren’t manly.

#2 Which do you shave more, your face or your genitals?

a) Face.

b) Genitals.
c) Never shave either.
d) Shave both equally and at the same time.

       1) Face and then balls.

       2) Balls and then face.

ANSWERS

a) +0 points. Shaving your face makes you a man but not manly.
b) -5 points. You’re disgusting. I should have taken away 10 points.
c) +10 points. You probably live in the hills and kill things, both of which are ultramanly. If you have some type of wild animal as a pet, such as a badger or wombat, give yourself an extra +5 points. And if you actually have a girlfriend (has to be a woman, not the badger or wombat), give yourself an additional +5.

d) +0 points. When you’re in the shower with a razor, giving both your face and sac a “once-over” is not manly or unmanly. However, the order in which you do the shaving is very, very important. If you shave your face and then your balls, as long as you dispose of the razor afterward, give yourself +5 points. If you shave your balls and then your face, it means that you secretly like the scent of nut sac and you are not in any shape or form a real man. As a matter of fact, go ahead and give yourself-15 points.

#3 How much does your favorite pair of jeans cost?
a) $200 or more.
b) Between $100 and $200.

c) Between $50 and $100.

d) Under 50 bucks.

ANSWERS

a) -15 points. Real men don’t pay that much for a washing machine or their hookers.
b) -10 points. $150 is a brand-new chain saw.
c) -5 points. Real men are frugal. They are cheap with their beer and food, so what the fuck makes you think they’d spend that kind of money on jeans?
d) +10 points. Give yourself an extra +5 points if that favorite pair of jeans has an oil stain on them.

#4 Your friends take you out to an all-you-can-eat buffet for your thirteenth birthday, and then surprise you afterward by taking you to Dollywood for a little bungee jumping. You’re just a kid, so you don’t see how bungee jumping after an all-you-can-eat buffet can go terribly wrong. You think that perhaps you might throw up, but instead you shit yourself. Remember, you’re just a kid. How do you handle the situation? Seriously, I want to know.

            a) Jump in the nearest public pool.
b) Pretend nothing has happened and go about your day.
c) Go to the public restroom, remove your shit-soaked boxers, and throw them in the trash can. Next, remove your socks, dampen them in the sink, and then clean up everything your boxers didn’t catch. Once you’re done, dispose of your socks. When you get home and your mother asks what happened to your socks, tell that nosy bitch to mind her own business. Afterward, go upstairs and cry yourself to sleep.

ANSWERS

a) +5 points. Although real men don’t drag others down when their ship sinks, they are quick problem solvers. 

If   the  pool  is twenty  feet  from the location where you did the shitting, give yourself +5 points. However, if you 

walk all the way home and  then jump into your neighbor ’s pool, give yourself-5 points …unless your neighbor 

is an asshole who never invites you over to go swimming.

 

b) +5 points. As I previously mentioned, real men always keep their chin up. If they have shit in their back 

pocket, they have shit in their back pocket. Deal with it.

c) +0 points. The reason I didn’t give negative points for this reaction is that shitting yourself at Dollywood is a tragic experience that no child should have to go through on his thirteenth birthday. It’s absolutely terrible. Your friends constantly make fun of you, and it’s not until much later in life when youbecome a fighter or something of that nature that you finally begin to earn just a shred of respect back from them. I don’t care if it’s not manly—I give a pass to every thirteen-year-old who shit himself at Dollywood while bungee jumping and then had to live with the horrible repercussions for years to come.

          You go on a first date with a respectable, attractive woman. How do you handle it?
a) You pay for everything, open doors, and kiss her good night instead of trying to get into her pants.
b) You tell her that she can order the most expensive thing on the menu and that you’re picking up the check.

       1) The most expensive thing on the menu is a $60 steak.

       2) The most expensive thing on the menu is a Big Mac.

c) You focus on how broke you are during dinner conversation and talk her into paying the bill. 

d) The moment you pick her up, you ask for gas money.

ANSWERS

a) +10 points. New-school manliness cannot contend with old-school manliness. If you’re a gentleman like Clark Gable, you are a real man. However, if you try to fuck your date at the end of the night, you get zilch. With this one, it’s all or nothing.

b) -5 points. Unless you’ve got old-school manliness, never offer a woman the most expensive thing on the menu. 

By saying nothing, you can tell what type of woman she is. If she orders the most expensive thing on her own, she is 

most likely out for your money. If she orders the cheapest thing on the menu, she probably lacks confidence and 

will be easy to bed.

            1) If you’re at a really nice restaurant where the most expensive dish costs $60 or more, you’re an      even bigger douche bag. Go ahead and subtract another 15 points.

                            2) If  you took your date to McDonald’s and she actually walked into the place, you already know she has 

no self-respect. In such a case, offering her the most expensive thing will probably make her happy and horny. 

Consider it a wise move and give yourself +15 points.

 

#6 You just got knocked the fuck out. Joe Rogan comes over and asks you what happened. What do you say?

a) You immediately begin making excuses. Tell everyone how your hand was hurt going in, your wife left you, you got the flu. Just rattle off every bullshit

reason for the knockout you can think of.
b) You don’t say anything because you are too busy crying.
c) You say, “Everything was going good, and then I just got knocked the fuck out.”

ANSWERS

a) -10 points. Real men don’t make excuses, even when those excuses are legitimate.
 

b) -5 points. The reason I didn’t subtract more…well, you know the reason.
 

c) +10 points. This is the way every loss should be handled. In addition to making more fans, you don’t go home feeling like a jackass 

#7 In  a raffle you recently won a gigantic douche-mobile, such as a Range Rover, Hummer, or some kind of lifted truck. What do you do with it?

            a) Go off-roading without worrying about scratching the paint or acquiring a few dents.
b) Donate the piece of shit to charity.
c) Trick it out by purchasing fancy rims that turns it onto an on-road vehicle only.
d) Use it to haul tools and lumber back and forth to work.

ANSWERS

a) +5 points. In order for off-roading to be extremely manly, you have to do it in something that isn’t built for the dirt, like a Honda Civic. But showing that you don’t care about the appearance of the vehicle gives you the points.

b) +10 points. I mean, come on, who really needs a Hummer.
c) -75 points. Do I really need to explain?
d) +10 points. Real men have manly jobs, and sometimes those manly jobs require a big vehicle. Gardening tools don’t count. You’ve got to carry big tools, like lathes and grinders and wood splitters.

There you have it... If you passed Forrest's Test, feel free to absorb the wisdom that is in this page. If you did not, I'm not going to feel sorry for you and I'm sure as hell not going to give you a kiss, why would you even think that? I'll tell you what I will do for you, being the man that I am, I'll make you my personal protege (I'll likely refer to you as minion though because of the whole french thing) provided that you a) call me sir and b) toss out every article of clothing you own that was bought in a store that smells of anything but tanned leather.

More posts up soon,

Cheers,

TyPeets